Wishes of the Children
by funvince
Summary: A look into the psyches of each of the three Children. Arc I: Rei Ayanami seems like the ultimate enigma, but what really lies inside? What are her thoughts and feelings? What is it she wishes for?
1. Prologue: Last Chance

Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for my own twisted purposes. This story is for entertainment purposes only and not for profit because no one in their right mind would buy a fanfic from me. :)

04/01/2004: After some thought and discussion with my pre-readers, I decided that I needed a prologue to my story that would help readers ease into my unique premises and give clues to the direction that I intend to take this in. I haven't changed the original first chapter so you don't have to read it again unless you want to of course. Enjoy. 

Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents: 

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

* * *

-Prologue: Last Chance-

_Aoba: Both Evangelions are in position and standing by. _

_Maya: AT-Fields are ready to generate. _

_Ritsuko: Roger. _

_Hyuga: T minus 60 seconds to mine drop. _

_*The ground rumbles. The "shadow" on the surface of the earth begins to crack.* _

_Asuka: What in the hell is that? _

_Misato: What's going on? _

_Hyuga: We don't know! _

_Maya: All of our sensors are going off the scale! _

_Ritsuko: But we haven't done anything yet. _

_Misato: You think it could be Shinji? _

_Ritsuko: It's impossible! Unit One's power level must be at zero. _

_*The "sphere" in the sky suddenly splits and bloody fingers appear from the interior trying to rip their way free.* _

_*Misato and the others scream as they see a blood-soaked horn emerge from inside the body of the "sphere", stabbing its way out to freedom.* _

_*Evangelion Unit 01 roars as it claws it way out of the sphere and onto the surface.* _

_Asuka: My god, is that what I'm piloting? _

_Ritsuko: God in heaven... What kind of monster have we made? _

_*Unit 01 continues to bellow as it rips through the collapsed shell of its prison to freedom.* _

The image froze.

"Our celebration was evidently premature," Bakeo Solecke, Chairman and Sorcerer Supreme of the Council of Nine, said. He sighed heavily. "Our task would have been much easier if Unit 01 had really been destroyed." 

He snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. Belatedly, he remembered that he was watching a holographic projection and not a shimmering. 

His guest, Aki Tanaka, chuckled then reached out and pressed the _Stop_ button on the remote. 

"Damn machines," Solecke muttered. Then he smiled slightly. "Don't let my colleagues hear that. I'm supposed to be the expert on science and technology, after all." 

"Things have certainly changed since the last time I was in this office," Tanaka said. "Computers, projectors... your predecessor would not have approved. He would have said that you were undermining the purity of magic by using these _toys_." 

Solecke gave him a weary look. He replied, "He was a fool, as you well know. I will not make the same mistakes. There is an undeniable relationship between science and magic, and it is our over-reliance on one art to the exclusion of the other that has led us to this dilemma." 

He pointed to the projector on his desk. "The members of Seele, on the other hand, have never had that problem. They have always used the worst of both crafts for their own ends and look at what they have accomplished! They can pull souls from the ether, create impossible hybrids, and can destroy so-called divine messengers. Say what you will of Keel, but never forget that without him, Seele would still be nothing more than a dying cult." 

"What does this have to do with me?" Tanaka asked, inspecting his fingernails. "I am just a humble magic shop owner, after all." 

"Your neutrality is ill-placed," Solecke said. "Seele is closer than ever before to performing the _Red Earth Ceremony_ and achieving their goals. The Council of Nine is in no position to stop them. After two thousand years, Seele finally has the chance to be the ruin of us all." 

"And you're peeved that they're going to beat you to it?" Tanaka suggested. 

"We are nothing like them!" Solecke thundered, rising half-way out of his seat. 

Tanaka held up a hand to forestall him. He said, "My apologies. Even though you and your peers refer to yourselves by number and use holograms that are magically constructed rather than technologically, you're different in that you would rather control the world rather than destroy it. How could I ever have confused you two?" 

"If you have finished with your derision, may I continue?" Solecke asked coldly. Not waiting for a response, he said, "The other members of the Council have all but given up. They point out that all the predictions of the Dead Sea Scrolls have come true, and that it is pointless to continue to try to defy Fate." 

Tanaka rubbed his forehead. "You people are as bad as Keel and his cronies. You put too much stock in prophecies. Those stupid things cause more trouble than they're worth. Are any of you prophets? Do any of you have brains for that matter?" 

Solecke closed his eyes for a few seconds then reopened them. He said, "Officially, Seele and the Council can not interfere with each other's activities. At this point, we can't do anything to stop them anyway. Seele is too well-protected and without NERV, Earth will fall to the Angels. Brute force has failed. It's time for subtlety. This is where you come in." 

"I'm overjoyed," Tanaka replied flatly. 

"Everything comes down to the pilots. The various scenarios of everyone involved center around them. We need them to continue destroying the Angels, but we also need them to make the correct choice when the time comes." 

"Why don't you brainwash or threaten them? Aren't you people supposed to be good at things like that?" Tanaka asked, sounding distracted. He took an exaggerated look at his watch. "The trouble with you bureaucratic types is you're so unimaginative. Considering that you're supposed to be the most powerful sorcerers in the world, that's rather sad. Now, I have better things to do than terrorize children..." 

"You know it's not that easy!" Solecke roared, clenching his fists tightly. "The time of reckoning depends on free will! If that wasn't so, NERV could simply drug the pilots to the gills before they initiate Third Impact. We don't have time to earn the Children's trust and I hate to admit it, but none of us would be too adept at dealing with these particular teenagers." 

"And I would be?" Tanaka asked, leaning forward. His features were stern and his eyes were focused directly on the Chairman. 

Solecke shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "You have a... talent for dealing with people who are not quite... normal." Avoiding Tanaka's eyes, Solecke pulled a thick folder out of his desk and slid it over. 

"Yes, psychological magic is beyond your scope, isn't it?" Tanaka said scornfully, taking the folder. "Helping others is no doubt a foreign concept. And I wouldn't be so quick to espouse the virtues of normalcy if I were you." He silently read through the file for several minutes, raising an eyebrow every so often. 

Finally, he leaned back and sighed. "Fascinating. None of that cases here are that unusual, but it is alarming that not only are these children the expected saviors of our world, but also that their mental conditions have gone unresolved and unchecked for so long." 

He spread out a group of photos on the desk then he tapped his finger on a picture of a red-eyed, blue-haired girl. "Most people would notice right away that her facial expressions rarely change. They might assume that she is bored or indifferent with the world around her. They would feel uncomfortable and uneasy around such a person and not bother to look any further. But if they were to take the time, they might notice how closed her body language is and the way she tries to fade into the background. There is more brimming under the surface here than meets the eye." 

Tanaka shifted the photos around then picked up one of a red-haired girl with striking blue eyes. "Now we come to this girl Asuka. She seems happy, well-adjusted, and satisfied with life. That's how she wants to be perceived, but look at how her smiles rarely reach her eyes. Notice that while she constantly vies for attention from her peers, she also keeps them at an arm's length. She is a cauldron of conflicting desires. Her traumatic past suggests she might be a little unstable. Again, it is the length of time she has gone untreated that worries me." 

He put her photo down and picked up another one of a brown-haired, average-looking boy. "Then we come to our newest pilot. A boy who desperately longs for approval and acceptance, but feels that he doesn't deserve it. Look at how even when he's smiling, his shoulders are slumped and he doesn't make direct eye contact. To sum things up, we have a trio of messed up kids that nobody gives a damn about beyond their use. Whose deficiencies are seen as opportunities to exploit because after all, who is more pliant than a damaged child?" 

Tanaka carefully gathered the papers and photos back together and placed them within the folder. He looked up and said, "And this is what playing God comes down to. It wasn't enough to extinguish billions of lives in an instant. They had to create living dead too. 

"In a way I can understand it. The desire to be like everyone else is one of the strongest urges there are. Who would want to be isolated and alone? But it's sad, really, how easily humans will trample their fellows in pursuit of such a dream." 

Tanaka slowly shook his head. "One wants to die, one believes the world would be better off without him, and one actively courts death with a smile on her face. What is it you expect me to do?" 

"We want you to convince the Children to live," Solecke replied solemnly. 

"Is that all?" Tanaka asked. He sunk deeper into his seat and closed his eyes. Minutes passed and when he finally opened them, his eyes were clear. He said, "The world can go to hell for all I care, but it seems wrong to make children the instruments of that destruction. Especially children like these who came to this through no fault of their own." 

He gave Solecke a piercing glare. "Just to be clear, I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for them. But you already knew that I would agree, didn't you? Given our history together and all." 

Solecke looked down at his folded hands. He said, "I'm sorry, Aki. But this is our last chance. We don't want to die. It's as simple as that." 

"Of course." Tanaka rose from his chair and walked over to the door. He twisted the knob, pulled it toward him then paused. "I will do this task for you, old friend, but do not presume to call me out of retirement again." 

Solecke accepted this reproof with a slight nod. Then he asked, "What is it that you will do?" 

Tanaka leaned against the frame. He said softly, "What I do best. Create hope where there is none. Then pray that it will actually do some good." 

He closed the door behind him. 

* * *

*Thanks to my pre-readers Feyrbrand and PhilG for forcing me to improve my garbage. ;) 


	2. Arc I: Rei's Wish

Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for my own twisted purposes. This story is for entertainment purposes only and not for profit because no one in their right mind would buy a fanfic from me. :)

AN: This is my first serious NGE fic and I hope to do well. Any comments would be helpful. This story has no official pairings though it may seem like it at times, but Wishes of the Children is not about that. It is about delving into the minds of three 14-year-old children who never had a chance to be normal and giving them a taste of what it might be like.

Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

* * *

-Arc I: Rei's Wish-

Rei Ayanami woke up at exactly 6 AM. She methodically rubbed the grit out of her eyes then stretched to loosen her muscles and get her blood moving. Then she got out of bed and headed into the bathroom. She took care of her plumbing needs making a mental note that she would soon need to order more toilet paper from NERV.

She took off the long-sleeved shirt she wore for sleeping then dropped it along with her panties onto the floor before stepping in the shower. Her body shivered a bit as the cold water hit her. She had the brief urge to turn the knob further to the left, but knew that would be pointless since the building had no working water heaters. She grabbed the soap and began to scrub her arms.

Rei calmly separated her mind from her physical discomfort, but had another brief thought about how nice it would be if she didn't have to do that. Once, as an experiment, she had taken a few warm showers at NERV after synch tests and discovered that showering was more comfortable when the water wasn't ice cold. She had considered asking the Commander to have her water heater looked at, but she knew that she shouldn't bother him with such trivial concerns. Hot water would not increase her effectiveness for her purpose.

Upon finishing her shower, she dried herself with a towel then allowed it to drop carelessly to the floor. She made another mental note to order more towels. She was not averse to using the same towels or wearing the same clothing until they wore out, but Doctor Akagi had explained that it would be unhealthy to do so and that it would be disastrous if she were unable to fulfill her purpose because of poor hygiene. For this reason, she took five minutes to carefully brush her teeth and ensure that every tooth received the same amount of attention.

Rei caught sight of herself in the mirror. She stared at herself for a few seconds. _I think you should smile..._ Even after so many months, those words still haunted her. It was the first time that she had smiled for anyone other than Commander Ikari and he had never smiled back at her the way Ikari-kun had. For some reason, that had pleased her. Perhaps she should try smiling more... No, such shows of emotion were irrelevant.

She dressed then walked to the kitchen where she withdrew her nutritional supplement. Regular food could not completely fulfill all of her dietary needs so her breakfasts consisted of thick, murky gruels. Not for the first time she thought it didn't taste very good. Her mind flashed to images of Ikari-kun handing her some vegetarian bentos. He did so after every Angel attack. He said it was his way of saying thank you to her. That thought made it easier for her to finish her breakfast.

After picking up her satchel, she left the apartment. The clatter of the broken lock against the closing door jogged another memory. Ikari-kun had told her more than once that she should buy a new lock for her door. Why did he not understand that there was no point to that? She was the only tenant in the building and she had nothing worth stealing. It was true that her apartment was open to any fanatic intent on killing her since Section 2 was under orders to keep a light watch on her, but even that didn't matter because... she was replaceable.

Rei walked to school, her pace never varying and her gaze never wavering from her path. She soon made it out of her desolate neighborhood onto the main streets, which were filled with people going to work. Though the sidewalk was crowded, Rei had no trouble continuing her forward motion. The mass of people seemed to flow around her creating an open path for her to walk on. Rei ignored them having long ago decided that their uneasiness at her appearance was incomprehensible. Their irrational behavior did make it easier for her to get to school so she didn't mind it too much. But if she truly did not mind, why was there an ache inside her every morning?

* * *

The bell rang and all the students took their seats. From her seat in the back of the classroom, she could observe the entire class without being noticed. There was only one individual she was interested in looking at though. Rei took fifteen seconds to gaze at the Third Child's face. She ascertained that the bags that had been under his eyes for the last two days were gone and that his color had returned to normal. He had been suffering insomnia since he came out of the Twelfth Angel, but he seemed to have recovered.

Satisfied that all was well, she turned her head to look out the window again. Looking at the scenery outside her window was one of the few indulgences she allowed herself to partake in. She saw no need to pay attention to her teachers as they rarely divulged information that was not already covered in her assigned textbooks. The teachers quickly learned not to call on her when they realized she knew the material better than they did. So since Rei could not find any readily identifiable purpose for her being here, she looked out the window.

For some reason she had never been able to understand, looking at the blue sky and the green trees in the schoolyard was soothing. Perhaps it was an effect of spending most of her life in the cold, utilitarian facilities of NERV, but the sight of the chaotic, _natural _world did something to her internal equilibrium that was... pleasing.

"She looks out that window every day! Do you think she's actually looking at something?"

"Nah, that would mean that she was _interested _in something. Hey, I bet that if that window was boarded up she wouldn't even notice!"

"Yeah, that would be kinda funny."

The two whispering students snickered.

Rei ignored them. She was aware that her classmates found her to be a popular subject for making jokes about, but she didn't know why. She didn't understand humor very well, but she had the sense that even if she did she still wouldn't find their comments funny.

Her left hand twitched momentarily before she quickly forced it to relax. Such a lapse in control was unacceptable. She turned her thoughts in a more favorable direction. Ikari-kun. She didn't understand him. Why did he treat her so kindly? His psychological profile indicated that he would be greatly adverse to initiating contact with anyone.

Her observations showed this to be true. Ikari-kun almost never started a conversation with anyone. He would speak with anyone who spoke to him, but he would rarely try to speak with them first. Except for her. Why? At first, she suspected that the Commander had ordered him to, but that theory had been rendered invalid when Ikari-kun revealed his dislike of and lack of respect for Commander Ikari.

That had been the first time she had slapped someone. She was still ashamed that she allowed her anger to escape her control, but... the sensation of his skin against her palm had been pleasant. A part of her wanted to experience that feeling again and that thought caused her cheeks to warm slightly. This brought up another question about human interaction that she could not answer. If physical contact was such a desirable state, then why did people go to such great lengths to avoid it? Why did they take for granted a freedom that she would never have?

Rei wished she could allow herself to sigh. Why did she continue to ask herself such pointless questions? Why did she hurt herself like this?

* * *

Rei found her regular spot beneath a tree and looked around curiously. The school was having a barbecue. She wrinkled her nose as the odor of cooking meat wafted over to where she sat. She had no moral or religious reasons against the consumption of animal flesh, but experience told her that eating it would make her violently ill. She decided that she would buy her lunch later. She was not hungry and she had no orders to eat at designated times. Eating when the body didn't require fuel was a social convention she saw no need to partake in.

She pondered what she should do instead. Her homework was done for the week and she had already finished her assigned readings in homeroom. That meant she could do something she wanted. Feeling a little guilty, Rei withdrew a worn book from her bag. _Frankenstein_ by Mary Shelley.

A literature class had required the book a few years before and a strange impulse had prevented her from discarding the book when the class was finished with it. Rei stared at the picture of a grotesque man imprinted on the cover. Frankenstein's monster. A creation of Man constructed from pieces of the dead for a specific purpose. A creature that was fated to never be accepted by his creator's race. He would never be understood or loved because he was not entirely human and he never would be.

Would Ikari-kun accept me for what I am if he knew the truth? Her gaze turned to another spot in the clearing where the Third Child was having lunch and obviously being embarrassed by the comments of his two friends. It was strange that while Ikari-kun felt anxiety talking to Suzuhara and Aida, he also seemed... happier. The presence of his friends appeared to animate him and draw him out of his quiet demeanor. Was this what friends could do for a person? She brushed the thought aside and turned back to her book. She did not need friends. Her hand trembled slightly as she turned the page.

Two classes later, it was time for swimming class. Rei slipped quietly into the locker room without notice. Most of the girls had been in the same classes as her since the seventh grade and had adjusted to her appearance. They took no more notice of her than they would a towel rack.

"Hey, who's that scary-looking girl over there? The one with the blue hair?"

"You're new, right? That's just Ayanami. Yeah, she's kinda freaky. We call her the Ice Queen."

"That's kinda mean..."

"Nah, the cold-hearted bitch couldn't care less."

This disturbed Rei though it was nothing she had not heard before. She changed into her white swimsuit and left the changing room still trying to restore her equilibrium. But it wasn't until she saw the pool did her mind finally calm. Swimming was one of the few activities in her life that she enjoyed. Perhaps it was its similarity with LCL and its association with the memories of simpler times in the tank that comforted her.

This was one of the few sights that heightened the discrepancy between her two sets of memories. The few memories that she retained from the first Rei revealed she had never gone swimming while the original memories of this body was composed of nothing but that.

Her teacher arrived. She said, "Okay, class. Today, we're going to be racing in time-trials. Just a little friendly competition. I've already paired you up so listen for your name. Sato and Kobayashi. Watanabe and Nakamura..."

The teacher was not going by alphabetical order as she usually did. Rei felt her stomach muscles tighten. Was this dread? Why would she feel this way? The chances of being paired with...

"Ayanami and Soryu!"

...were apparently better than she thought. She watched the Second Child walk up to her and sneer. The German girl placed her hands on her hips and said loudly, "Oh, please! I was looking forward to having a challenge today. I'd have more fun going against a life jacket. They probably have more personality!" She stared at Rei expectantly.

Was she expected to respond? Rei saw no reason to do that so she turned her attention back to the pool. She heard Pilot Soryu growl then stomp away. Rei did not understand the Second. What had she done to cause such anger in the girl? Ever since the Second had asked her if she wanted to be friends, the Second seemed to have made it her mission to taunt her at every opportunity. Why?

Rei had answered her question the only way she could. If the Commander ordered her to befriend the girl, then naturally, she would but otherwise she could not risk reducing her effectiveness as a pilot. In retrospect, there may have been a better way of handling the matter. Still, it seemed odd that the Second would care so much.

Rei heard her name called and went to the edge of the pool. The race ended up being a close one. Her body had spent most of its life moving through liquid, but the Second had spent most of her life actively training so it was only by a few seconds that Rei pulled ahead.

With a pang of regret, she pulled herself out of the water. The water was silent and calm; it was everything the world was not. She then saw the Second heading toward her with her face contorted in rage.

"What the hell? Wondergirl beat me! Of all the-" the Second must have noticed she was attracting attention because she forcibly smoothed out her face and shrugged. "Well, I guess even a doll can get lucky once in a while."

A spark of anger blossomed inside Rei. "I am not a doll."

The Second rolled her eyes. "I know that you're not _literally _a doll, but you might as well be one. I bet if your precious commander told you to jump off a cliff, you'd do it with a smile. Well, maybe not a smile. You'd probably break something if you tried, _Rei_." The Second smiled nastily. "That's a fitting name for you. Zero. Nada. Zilch. You really are nothing, you know that?"

"I know."

Rei turned and walked away from the surprised girl. There was nothing more to say.

* * *

Her face was impassive as usual and there was no indication that she was thinking anything more complex than keeping her feet moving. But on the inside, Rei's mind was in turmoil. She could not focus and the mental exercises Doctor Akagi had taught her to ensure emotional harmony were not working. The Second's words kept running through her head.

...you're not _literally _a doll, but you might as well be one...

...you really are nothing...

Those words should not bother her. They were true. She had no value beyond her use. She was a tool created for a specific purpose. She was not like other girls and she never would be. She accepted that. She knew what her purpose was. So why was there an emptiness inside her? Rei was brought out of her thoughts by a strange sight.

Mister Tanaka's Magic Shop.

Rei came to an abrupt stop and blinked at the sight of the nondescript brick building. She had been walking home along this route since the seventh grade and she knew this shop should not be here. The work needed to build such a structure over an abandoned lot could not have been done in one day. It was impossible but there the building was.

An ordinary person might have rationalized that they simply hadn't seen the building before, but Rei was not ordinary. Since there was no logical explanation for this shop's existence, Rei concluded that it had to have been created by supernatural means. It might even be Angel-related though it was difficult for her to see what possible benefit an Angel could gain from this.

Still, it was her duty to report this possible threat to NERV. But even as her hand went to grab her cell phone, a bright light appeared in the window. Her arms fell to her side as she looked at it. A feeling of warmth spread across her body. She felt a longing for the light, one so intense that it scared her, but she couldn't turn away. She found herself taking a step forward then another one and before she knew it, she was inside the shop.

She ignored the antique display cases and the dusty bookshelves. Her eyes were focused on the light. When she got close enough to touch it, the light faded to reveal a dark blue, heart-shaped pendant attached to a silver necklace lying on a white pillow. The longing she felt grew stronger and Rei was confused as to why. She never had any desire for a material object before and she could not understand why her heart was beating so rapidly now.

"Ah, I see that you have your eye on the Heart of Desires."

Rei turned her head to look at the bearded man looking at her. He was of average height and wore a white robe. She assumed that he was Mister Tanaka. She asked, "What is its purpose?"

"It grants one wish to whoever holds it."

Rei thought for a moment. "Can it be used to get rid of the Angels?"

"It's not that powerful. The magic inside this pendant is very subtle and lasts for only a day. It can't change reality or affect other people. What it can do is change you according to your heart's desire for yourself."

"I see." Rei turned to leave.

"Wait, don't you want this?" Tanaka asked sounding surprised.

"I do not have any desires concerning myself," Rei replied without slowing down.

"If that was true, Miss Ayanami, then you would never have been tempted to come in here."

Rei stopped unsure of what to do. Her reason for leaving had disappeared, but she knew she had to leave. So why didn't she? Every instinct she had told her to stay, but she could not. The Commander would not approve. Finally, she said, "I am not allowed to use my NERV credit card on items I do not need."

Tanaka sighed. "Look, I don't normally do this, but here, please take it. No charge." He picked up the necklace and held it out to her.

Rei looked at it. "Why?"

"Because I like you, kid. You don't waste my time protesting that magic isn't real and you don't ask stupid questions like how I knew your name. And, you're one of the few people I've met that deserves a genuine wish. Most of my customers don't. They just think they do so I don't feel bad about playing jokes on them or giving them magical trinkets that never work as they should. But you're different. Taking advantage of you would be like kicking a puppy. Letting you leave here empty handed would be even worse."

Tanaka made a strange motion with his hands and the necklace appeared around Rei's neck. Then the man clapped his hands.

Rei's vision blurred for a moment then when it returned to normal, she found herself standing in her apartment. Her first impulse was to seek out the store, but she suspected that she wouldn't be able to find it. She stared down at the pendant wondering what to do. There was no reason for her to make a wish, but it seemed wrong not to take advantage of such a powerful object. Perhaps she should give it to Commander Ikari.

Something inside her rebelled. She couldn't... she didn't _want _to give away _her _necklace. That thought shocked her so much that she sagged onto her bed. How could she even think such a thing? The pendant must be affecting her, but she couldn't bring herself to care. It felt a little wrong not caring what the Commander thought, but it also felt nice.

What should she wish for? She immediately thought of death. This was a chance for her soul to be free once and for all. She entertained the idea for a few minutes then reluctantly set it aside. The wish probably wouldn't work and she'd die permanently soon enough anyway. There was no hurry. But now she didn't know what to do. She had never asked for anything before. She had things she secretly wished for like hot water, but they were all so petty. Her shoulders slumped.

"I wish... I wish..."

...I didn't feel so empty...

...I could understand my own feelings...

...I could show people how I feel...

"I wish... I wish..." Rei fell silent. She had gone as far as she could. Rei sat there staring at the floor for a long time before she finally fell asleep, emotionally exhausted. But even as she slumbered away in a dreamless void, her mind continued to churn away at the problem.

A few hours went by before deep inside Rei's mind, below conscious awareness, a deeply held desire worked its way to the surface.

_I wish I could be more human._

In the darkness, the blue heart began to glow.

* * *

My Portrayal of Rei Ayanami

The Rei Ayanami in me may be different from the Rei Ayanami in you so I thought it best to describe how I see this azure-haired girl. Rei is emotionally stunted because she was raised around other emotional cripples like Gendo Ikari and Ritsuko Akagi and because she knows she is different. She never interacted with anyone her own age until she was placed in school in the seventh grade and by then her standoffish personality had been set too deeply. Rei is detached from her emotions and tends to see them as a hindrance to her duties. She might not even completely understand what it is she feels at times. That does not mean, however, that she is not affected by them or that she doesn't have wants and desires like everyone else. She just does not and cannot show them. She's not allowed to because if Rei was ever to start forming attachments to people then Gendo's plan falls apart. How would she blindly obey his orders to end the world as we know it if she was to _care_? I believe that if it wasn't for Gendo Rei wouldn't be that different from any of us. Of course without him, she wouldn't exist at all, but I don't feel like giving him a star for that.

Many thanks to my pre-reader Kai Reased aka Rei Ronin. Any mistakes you find are his fault. ;)

Now please review!


	3. Metamorphosis

Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for my own twisted purposes. This story is for entertainment purposes only and not for profit because no one in their right mind would buy a fanfic from me. :)

Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

* * *

-Arc I: Metamorphosis-

     Rei pulled her blanket over her head trying to hide from the light. She knew what the light represented and wanted it to go away. She didn't want to leave this place where she was so warm and content. The world did not exist in this plane between slumber and wakefulness and she preferred it that way. What was the point of waking up? There was nothing out there for her but pain.

     But despite her desires, Rei felt herself gaining consciousness. She snuggled deeper into her bed and tried to sink back into the comforting embrace of darkness. The needs of her body soon became too strong to ignore however. Rei reluctantly pushed away her blanket and sat up. She then wrapped her arms around herself to ward off the chill.

     She stumbled into the bathroom to relieve herself. The floor was cold against her bare feet, but she was too tired to really notice. Her mind was sluggish and she couldn't focus on anything but her discomfort and desire for sleep. 

     A few moments later, Rei disrobed and stepped into the shower stall. Her hand grasped the knob then hung there motionless. She didn't want to be here. She was tired in so many ways. Why did it have to be so hard?

     Rei took a deep breath then forced her hand to rotate the knob. There was a hiss before the downpour of water began. Rei gasped as she felt the icy needles impact against her sensitive skin. Her grogginess was instantly washed away. And she remembered.

     She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. The cold was now the furthest thing from her mind. She reached up with a trembling hand and wrapped her fingers around her pendant. Somehow, the blue heart pulsed warmly against the palm of her hand. 

     The Heart of Desires. What was it the old man had told her? _The magic inside this pendant is very subtle and lasts for only a day. It can't change reality or affect other people. What it can do is change you according to your heart's desire for yourself._

     Rei's hand fell to her side. The necklace dangled slightly before settling back against her chest. Why was she thinking such pointless thoughts? They accomplished nothing and only served to agitate her mind. She tried once again to focus, but could not summon the energy to do so. Unbidden, her thoughts returned to yesterday's strange events.

     She had been told that she deserved a wish. That could not be true. She had done nothing that warranted such a precious gift. Her purpose was to destroy the world. How could someone like her deserve anything? Someone who could not even do something as simple as making a wish.

     It did not matter what she wanted, Rei told herself. She was the pilot of Evangelion Unit 00 and the heart of the Instrumentality Project. That was supposed to be enough for her. Everything else was supposed to be irrelevant. Everything had been fine until some intruder had upset the balance of her life. She was fine with the way she lived. There was nothing more she needed...

     The lies no longer comforted her. She opened her eyes and tilted her head back so that the water could run down her face. The pain would fade soon. It always did.

     Rei watched the rain fall, unblinking, and she felt a slight pressure build up behind her eyes. She began to blink rapidly to alleviate the sensation, but that only increased the stinging. What was happening to her? Her throat felt clogged and her nose was tingling. Something was wrong. She shivered then caught herself. Something was definitely wrong.

     She mentally replayed the last ten minutes, finally noticing what her mind had glossed over in its weariness. Her eyes sprang open as everything clicked into place. She was different somehow. 

     Rei turned off the shower and slowly walked over to the mirror with water dripping off her body. Timidly, awkwardly, she approached the mirror, refusing to believe in the preposterous notion that had occurred to her. Yet a part of her could not keep from hoping. She raised her eyes from the floor and looked. Rei stared, unable to look away. Her face...

     Her eyes were bloodshot and her lips were trembling. Her eyebrows were shaped like miniature frowns and her forehead was furrowed. She thought she looked horrible. She also thought that it was the most terrifying and beautiful sight she had ever seen.

     This couldn't be happening. She touched her face in awe, unable to believe that this was true. How could this have happened? She hadn't made a wish! Had she?

     Rei was confused and that confusion reflected plainly on her face. She studied her face, feeling how naturally the muscles in her face shifted to match her mood. She didn't even have to think about it as she had the few times she allowed her feelings to manifest. 

     Rei searched within herself, trying to determine exactly what happened. She felt different but yet she didn't. It took her several minutes to pinpoint the difference. Her emotions had always been like a separate entity that had no real bearing on her life. They were intriguing but ultimately irrelevant. She could ignore them at will. 

     She didn't think she could do that anymore. The world around her seemed more distinct somehow. She could not explain it, but colors seemed to be brighter, the drips from the showerhead were more audible, and the cracks in the wall that she had never bothered to notice before leaped out at her. But most significantly, the emptiness inside her had lessened.

     Rei tried to think of what to do next, but she kept getting distracted by her reflection. With a wrench of effort, she turned her head away so she could concentrate. Shouldn't she be worried about this? Hadn't Commander Ikari told her that emotions made one weak? She should be calling Doctor Akagi to look over her, but she had no urge to do so. This felt right somehow. It shouldn't. She should have been worried that the wall in her mind that separated her emotions from her thoughts had been knocked down, but she could not get over how _right_ it felt.

     Logically, she knew she shouldn't feel this way. She knew emotions were a weakness. Didn't the way she was acting now prove that? She knew the Commander would not approve of this. She knew she was putting herself at risk trusting that what happened to her was benign in nature. She knew these things, but she didn't care. She wanted to explore her thawed feelings and no number of arguments would sway her from that.

     Rei felt a sudden weakness in her knees and she had to prop her body against the sink. She hadn't realized that being more conscious of her feelings meant less control over her emotions. Never before had she allowed her emotions to influence her actions when they conflicted with her duty. Never had they felt so _strong_ before. This worried her greatly. How much had she changed? Who was she?

     She shook her head slightly then drew in a deep breath and slowly released it trying to restore her composure. It was amazing how naturally and easily she committed actions she had only seen others do. Rei slowly relaxed and when she deemed herself ready, she looked into the mirror again. 

     The face that stared back at her may have been more expressive, but it was still the same face she had seen every day of her life. The crimson eyes that were now so bright and showed so much still revealed her and only her. In that moment, Rei felt a strange calm come over her and she forgot about wishes and duty. She saw only herself.

     _I am Rei Ayanami. I am I. That is all that matters_, Rei thought. She was changed, yes, but there was no reason to believe that the thoughts and emotions she had were not her own. 

     Her lips twitched then curved upwards. I'm smiling, Rei thought in wonder. This was not the tiny, unsure expression that she had given to Ikari-kun. This was not the exaggerated grin the Commander liked to see on her from time to time. This was a genuine, carefree smile. Whereas minutes before, her face had looked like it had aged ten years she now looked radiant. Her face had smoothed out and her wet, unkempt hair now made her features seem endearing rather than morose. It felt good.

     Yet there was that uncertainty that lurked in the back of her mind. She tried to ignore it and maintain her good mood, but her smile faded when she opened the bathroom door. Rei had never noticed how forbidding her dwelling was. The tiny living area was draped in shadows. The sunlight that had woken her illuminated her bed, but went no further. Rei couldn't help thinking that her bed seemed like a lonely island cast in a sea of darkness. 

     The sheen of dust that covered every available surface and the paint peeling off the walls also heightened the bleakness of this place. It was almost as if her home had been designed to drain the spirit of whoever lived here. Rei shook her head in irritation. She was thinking illogically again. She had lived here for years and there was no reason she should feel like a stranger in her own home.

     Rei's eyes shifted to find something that would distract her from the sinking feeling in her stomach. Her eyes landed on a pair of broken glasses lying on her dresser. Rei stood frozen until a slight pain in her chest reminded her to breathe. She then forced her suddenly heavy feet over to the closet. She mechanically got dressed, unable to keep her eyes off the bent frames. They seemed to stare at her from across the room, silently accusing her.

     _That's impossible_, Rei told herself. This was just the result of an unrestrained imagination. Again, reason failed to calm her. Her eyes stared, unblinking, at the symbol of her superior. The man who gave her life. Unbidden, Commander Ikari's face appeared in her mind. His face was masked behind his clasped hands as always, but his eyes radiated disappointment. And she knew that disappointment was directed at her. No... at the original.

_     Rei, we have been over this many times. Emotions are a liability that you can not afford to have. You were created for one reason and one reason only. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by irrelevant concerns. You must have control. Without control, you have nothing._

     Rei squeezed her eyes shut trying to will the memory away, but those dark eyes continued to peer disapprovingly at her through their opaque lenses.

_     This is for your own good, Rei. You have to build up walls to protect yourself. You have more reason than most to be wary of humanity. They can be cruel and hurtful when they fear what they do not understand. You must stay apart from them or you will only end up getting hurt. Do you understand?_

     Rei watched her younger self nod, not entirely understanding what the Commander meant but knowing that if he said it then it must be true. That was the essence of the faith she had in him. The world would throw up its obstacles, but the Commander would always know what was best to do.

     She didn't know what to believe anymore. That realization hurt more than she thought possible. Her thoughts were conflicted. How could something she was told was wrong feel so right? And yet... the Commander wasn't wrong. 

     Rei rubbed her throat gently. She could almost feel those two cold, unyielding hands. 

_     "You little bitch! You're replaceable too! Did you know that, Rei? You're just as replaceable as me!"_

_     Stop! It hurts! Please let go! Rei thought desperately. She squirmed and kicked, trying to scream, trying to force air into her lungs, trying to do anything to make the pain stop. _

_     Doctor Akagi simply stared down at her with maddened eyes. _

_     Rei's struggles grew weaker. Her vision began to darken and there was a painful thundering in her ears. She didn't understand! What had she done? Why was the doctor hurting her? Why..._

_     I don't want to die. Please... please..._

     Dying was horrible. It was painful. It was terrifying, but... life was worse.

_     Rei opened her eyes causing a viscous liquid to press against them. Was she underwater? A part of her mind told her to hold her breath, but she instinctively knew that it wasn't necessary. She touched the glass in front of her and wondered what she was doing here._

_     The last thing she remembered was... dying. Strangely, this information didn't seem particularly worrying. In her mind's eye, Rei watched Naoko Akagi throw her to the floor then strangle her ignoring the scratches and bruises Rei was inflicting on her. _

_     Rei remembered being afraid, but she had trouble relating this memory to herself. This event seemed to be happening to someone else entirely for the lack of effect it had on her. Rei tried to reach back further, but the few images she could find kept dissolving before she could really grasp them._

_     She sensed a motion next to her. Rei turned her head and saw her own face stare back at her. The face had her red eyes and her blue hair, but the frozen smile and vacant eyes of her double were not hers. Rei knew she should feel something, but once again, there was that curious numbness._

_     There was a slight tapping on the glass and Rei turned toward the sound. She saw Commander Ikari smiling sadly at her. A flicker of... something... ran through her then quickly faded._

_     "I'm sorry that this happened to you, Rei," he said. "But I hope you understand now what I've been trying to teach you. People are such sad creatures. Humans try so hard to understand each other, but they can't. Not completely. And it is that lack of understanding that leads to events like this."_

_     The Commander pushed up his glasses then took a step closer to the glass. "Until the Project is complete, it is better that you stand alone. I hope you understand that now."_

     Rei sank to the floor and drew her knees to her chest. Why did it hurt so much? It had never hurt so much before. She had never allowed it to hurt so much. Rei lightly fingered the wet streaks that trailed down her face. Tears she had not known she was capable of producing leaked from her eyes.

     She was so tired... of everything. She had never asked to be brought back to life or be responsible for the fate of humanity. She wanted... she wanted... to be left alone.

     But at the same time she didn't want to _be_ alone. That thought didn't make any logical sense, but not everything that was true had to be logical. She knew that now.

     The Commander was correct when he said that it was a risk to get close to others. There was a possibility of getting hurt. It was impossible to perfectly understand another soul and that lack of understanding would only leave her vulnerable to misery. But... wasn't she miserable _now_?

     What had standing alone gotten her? An apartment in shambles, a shambles that reflected the state of her soul. Unceasing dissatisfaction that wore away at her daily. She had become the object of fear and despise by almost everyone who knew her. Even emotionally deadened as she had been, she had known pain that left no scars or bruises but hurt all the same.

     Would the alternative really be worse? 

     Rei held the blue pendant in the palm of her hand and peered at the miniature of her tear-stained face that reflected back at her. She had the rest of today to search for the answer to that question for herself if she wished. But was that what she wanted? 

     Logic said that she should not throw away such an opportunity. In all likelihood, she would never have another chance again to see what might have been. Though to be honest with herself, the logic of it did not matter to her. This was what she wanted. This was what she always wanted though she hadn't always known it.

     Then why did it feel like she was betraying _him_? Loyalty demanded that she stop thinking these thoughts. But loyalty wasn't enough anymore. Her desires were fighting her loyalty and she felt herself weakening and she welcomed it. She had given the Commander everything her entire life. Would a mere 24 hours really be too much to ask? She would never betray him despite his obvious worries. All she wanted was one day.

     Rei realized that her decision had already been made. Without any real thought, she had thrown away years of duty for her own selfish desires. That it was temporary did not matter. All that mattered was that in the end, what she wanted was not what the Commander wanted. And worse of all, she did not even feel that bad about it. Rei wiped her face angrily. No, she didn't feel bad at all.

     _Liar._

     The floor continued to grow wet with her sorrow.

* * *

Author's Notes:

I hoped that I have reassured those who were concerned that I intended to do drastic changes to Rei's personality. Rei Ayanami is a wonderful, unique individual and I never intended to change the essence of who she is. All I wanted was to do was have Rei learn that she had the potential to make her own choices and live her own life just like anyone else.

Has anyone here ever read _If I am Normal, Are you Weird?_ by Austin Covello? This author also had the idea of 'changing' Rei but he took it so far that she wasn't recognizably Rei anymore. This may have been because he was writing a semi-humor fic, but I felt he wasted a good idea. So I'm writing my own story. I hope it's working well so far.

I would like to thank my pre-readers Feyrbrand, PhilG, and Rei Ronin for their encouragement and for helping me with my writing. Thanks, guys!


	4. Reaching Out

Disclaimer: See the beginning. I shouldn't have to repeat myself! ;)

Thanks to Kai and PhilG. You guys rock!

Anyway, Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

* * *

-Arc I: Reaching Out-

     Rei was curled up in a ball on the floor. Her eyelids were tightly squeezed shut, but tears still managed to flow down her face. She was afraid. The world she lived in no longer made sense. She wasn't supposed to question the Commander. She wasn't supposed to have these _feelings_.

     Was it so surprising then that she was afraid? The certainty she had known almost her entire life was gone. Now, doubts and fears plagued her mind. She didn't know what to do. She _needed _someone to tell her what to do...

     _Someone like Commander Ikari, perhaps? So eager to become a prisoner again, are we?_

_     No! _Rei gritted her teeth in anger. She was not a prisoner. She did not need permission to live her own life. Rei's nails dug into her palms, almost drawing blood. The pain was enough to clear the fog from her mind. She had made a decision and she would not back down, she would not surrender to her fear, she would not be weak.

     Rei focused on her breathing, taking slow, deliberate breaths, attempting to recapture the early mornings feeling of warmth.****The warmth that made her feel like there wasn't anything that she could not accomplish. Had it really been such a short while since then? It certainly didn't feel that way. Was this what was meant by the phrase 'time flying'?

     Rei shuddered. Time was not supposed to be twisted so easily. Could she no longer trust her own senses? Had she not already lost enough? Rei tightened her fists again, trying to maintain her focus. She was very dismayed to experience how ridiculously easy it was to fall back into depression.****It was a horrible emotion, but it was perversely attractive and in a strange way, it was even comforting...

     Was this how Ikari-kun lived his life? The reason his smiles were so far and between? She has often wondered why the Third Child wasted so much time brooding over inconsequential matters. It seemed like a pointless expenditure of energy. Now, she understood how good it felt.

     She shook her head slightly. She had to remain alert or this would all be for nothing. She could not shut herself off from the world no matter how tempting it was to do so. Closing her eyes, Rei focused once more on the gentle motions of her breath. Inhale. Exhale. She remembered gazing into her mirror and seeing an ordinary girl smile as if she had done it her entire life. She remembered being at peace with herself.

     Her mind latched onto that image and used it to steady her nerves. The tension slowly drained from her body and she no longer had to blink away tears. She uncurled her body and stretched feeling the tingling sensations that came from staying in one position for a long period of time.

     Then she simply stared up at the ceiling and allowed herself to _be_. She didn't think, didn't feel. She simply was. With each breath, the tightness in her chest faded more and more. Her eyes welled up again, not out of grief, but to cleanse her body of the poisons she had carried around for so long.

     Rei lied on the ground, neither thinking nor feeling, until she felt she was composed enough to go on. Rei pushed herself off the floor into a cross-legged position. She dried her face with a sleeve and was surprised at how much _lighter_ she felt. She felt oddly at ease. Nothing about her situation had changed, but she felt better all the same. The releasing of tears... crying... had allowed some of her turmoil to dissipate. She was still sad, but she no longer felt overwhelmed. Perhaps crying was not so unnatural after all.

     Her throat throbbed as if in reply and Rei winced. Of course, overdoing anything was bad, no matter how helpful it was. Her throat ached. Her eyes tingled now, and felt overly sensitive to the light. Rei got to her feet and walked unsteadily to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water.

     As she sipped from her glass, she wondered what she should do now. She rested her head against the counter in the hopes that she could think more clearly. It was not everyday that one experienced an epiphany, and though she was tired she still had much she wanted to experience. But what could she possibly do?

     A part of her mind told her that she still had time to finish the rest of the school day. Rei's lips curled into a bitter smile. Despite what her peers may have thought, she was not unobservant. She was well aware that many of her schoolmates would take advantage of her newfound vulnerability. How could she go to school when she no longer had her control? How could she face the other students when her body would betray every hurtful and painful feeling she had?

     They scorned her appearance and her quiet manner. They punished her for being different than them. Rei could understand this. They were jealous of her status as a pilot and could not stand to be thought inferior to a person such as her. She could understand this also. But underneath their bluster and hatred laid a fear, a fear of her, and this she did not understand. She only knew that it was true.

     There was no doubt in her mind that if they saw that she had changed, their behavior towards her would only grow more derisive. It was basic psychology. The other students may have disliked her for being so aloof, but they understood that and were comfortable with that. Any action on her part that would shatter their fragile worldviews would be met with vicious retaliation. To adolescent minds, change was more terrifying than any Angel.

     No one would be happy for her. No one would congratulate her for going against their expectations. They would be angry with a Rei who talked back and didn't meekly accept their insults. They would be frightened of a Rei who wasn't a pariah to be ignored or mocked for their amusement.

_     And they call the Angels monsters..._

     The hypocrisy was too much. The pain was too certain to be dealt with calmly. With a soundless cry of fury, Rei hurled her glass at the wall with all her strength.

     Rei sagged against the edge of the counter, barely able to stand, gasping for breath. She trembled with a rage that had no outlet, a rage she knew she could not release at any cost. Wish or no wish. If she allowed herself to be devoured by her fury, a girl who had no experience with real anger and had never needed restraint, then...

     For the first time, Rei became fully aware of how dangerous she really was. She hugged herself tightly, trying to stop the shaking of her body. How could she have imagined that _this_ would be better? She was just as miserable as before; she simply no longer had the ability to hide from it.

     Maybe she had been better off when she hadn't truly understood what loneliness and misery were. When she had thought that the emptiness inside was simply a part of who she was and didn't mean anything. Knowledge truly was a burden.

     Rei stared at the shattered pieces of glass on the floor. She wondered if she should just go back to bed and wait for this day to be over. Perhaps that would be best for everyone.

     Though a part of her wanted nothing else, a larger, more insistent part refused to go cower under her blanket. She would see this through. Rei was bemused in spite of herself. What an interesting time to discover she was stubborn. Perhaps she had taken the title of 'Wondergirl' a little too seriously. What could she hope to accomplish when not only was she afraid of the world outside her door, she was also afraid of _herself_?

     And once again, she had the question of what she was supposed to do. She would not go to school, but where else could she go? While sitting here in her apartment was vastly educating in itself, she wanted to see more of the world that she had saved many times but had never truly experienced. Had never been allowed to experience.

     Rei sighed. She had so many problems and no idea where or how to start solving them. Between questions that only generated more questions and fluctuating emotions that were slowly driving her insane, she could barely think. There was a logical solution to her problems, of course, but one she was loath to consider...

     Asking for help.

     She couldn't do this alone. She needed someone to help her understand her new feelings, to explore her new desires with, and to keep her from committing actions she would later regret. But who would help her? She knew of no one who would be safe to confide in or willing to help her... except one. Shinji Ikari.

     Rei's head rocked back slightly. Just thinking of the brown-haired boy had triggered an avalanche of emotions. Happiness, sadness, confusion, fear, longing, and other not easily identifiable feelings ran through her. She struggled to clear her mind, but she was mesmerized by the image of shimmering, brown eyes...

_     She didn't know which pain was worse. That of her battered and abused body or the pain of failure. She knew that the Third Angel would shortly breach NERV's walls and she knew that it would be because of her. She had trained for years for this battle and she had fallen within minutes. She deserved all the pain she had received. The fact that she had been injured during her activation test was irrelevant. She should have done better._

_     The Commander had not even come by her room after she had regained consciousness. Perhaps that was the greatest pain of all. The room was empty except for her. The nurses had undoubtedly gone to clear space for the expected casualties that would soon come pouring in. They didn't know that their efforts would be in vain._

_     She had tried her best... but it seemed her best was not sufficient. It was pointless to dwell on the matter. It would all be over soon. Her only regret was that she would not be able to see the Commander one last time._

_     Rei was about to drift off back to sleep when she heard _his_ voice._

_     "Pilot Ayanami... Rei... are you there?"_

_     Ignoring the agony in her throat, Rei whispered, "Yes, sir."_

_     "The replacement turned out to be useless."_

_     For a moment, the words refused to register in her mind. Then, a voice that seemed to come from somewhere far away, said softly, "I understand."_

_     Who said that? Oh, it was me. I must be in shock, Rei thought. That would explain why she was feeling so detached from her body. She barely noticed when two orderlies came into her room and wheeled her bed out into the hallway._

_     She saw everything in a dreamlike haze until they arrived at Central Dogma. Then she saw the Commander's eyes and the haze dropped away. She was dimly aware of the center's other occupants and the rumbling that was going on around her, but she saw only the message in the older man's eyes: 'One more time.'_

_     It was not a request. She knew that what he wanted was impossible, but she knew that she would try anyway. Because that was what he wanted._

_     She braced herself then tried to sit up. Her bruised ribs, shattered femurs, and broken collarbone screamed out in protest against her intended action. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. She would not fail again. _

_     The room shook again, more violently this time, and, for an instant, Rei found herself flying... then the ground rose up to meet her. Spots danced before her eyes for a few seconds. She felt a growing wetness seep through the bandages around her torso. She felt the broken piece of bone that was now sticking out of her left shin. She knew that she was on the verge of death. But she wasn't dead yet... and that was all that mattered._

_     Rei tried to push herself up with her uninjured arm and fell back down whimpering. She sensed a presence kneel beside her then felt two arms wrap around her body. Her injuries flared up again, but those pains were overwritten by complete and utter surprise. She had never been held before. At least, not when she was conscious. It was not entirely unpleasant._

_     She opened her eyes and peered into the brown eyes of a young man about her age. There was nothing distinctive or special about him except perhaps for the deep melancholy on his boyish features, but Rei felt a jolt of recognition looking at him. But she was quite certain that she did not know this individual._

_     He didn't appear to be seeing her. He was chanting something over and over._

_     "...run away. Don't run away. Don't run away..."_

_     Then for one heartbeat of time, he looked directly into her eyes. And what she saw in that gaze terrified her. Terrified her as much as she could possibly be being what she was. She saw eyes clear of judgment or calculation. There was no detachment or thinly veiled discomfort in those brown orbs. They were eyes that simply saw her as another human being. Something of value._

_     Rei felt a strange, unfamiliar sensation build up within her body. Suddenly, the room shook again and the feeling was gone._

_     Time sped up again and the boy jerked his head away, closing his eyes. Rei recognized the emotion of anger on his face and she instinctively drew back until she realized that it wasn't directed at her. She would liked to have asked why he was so angry, why he had looked at her so strangely, why when she looked at him she felt such a strong sense of _familiarity_... but she was so tired... Against her will, her eyelids closed and she felt her mind drift toward the darkness._

_     The last thing she heard before her body shut down was the strange boy saying softly, "I'll do it... I'll get into it."_

     Rei opened her eyes, shaken. She had relived this memory before trying to understand why she had such a strong reaction toward the Third Child. She had concluded that her mind had merely responded to the similarity between him and Commander Ikari. She had accepted that conclusion without question until now. Examining the memory through an emotional lens, she saw that she had been _grateful _to Ikari for his compassion. And there had been something else...

     She shook her head again slightly to realign her thoughts. If she thought too much more about the contradicting emotions her fellow pilot evoked in her then she might never leave this spot. She was stalling and there was no reason for that. She had found a solution for her dilemma and a guide who would hopefully lead her out of this web of confusion she found herself in.

     Satisfied that things had been resolved so simply, Rei walked back to her living area and removed her cell phone from her bag. Then she had a striking thought. What if he did not want to help her?

     She would just have to think of another solution then, the logical part of her mind said calmly. The rest of her brain was not so serene. She stood, frozen, staring at her phone trying to think. What if... he laughed at her? Or told her that he didn't care about her petty problems?

     Rei knew that he would never be so cruel, but just thinking of these possibilities, ridiculous or not, was enough to send her heart racing. And to be perfectly honest, she had no idea how he would respond. Shinji Ikari was a most perplexing individual.

     She did not think she could take a rejection in her current condition, but she had to try. She had to know. She turned on her phone and the training she received from Section 2 made her switch on the Caller-ID blocker. One could never be too careful.

     Her trembling finger pushed down on a speed dial button, and then she waited the longest ten seconds of her life.

     Her nerves were in shambles over this latest time warping and she almost missed the disappearance of the ringing. Emanating from the speaker, a voice said, "Hello?"

     Rei's voice caught in her throat when she heard his voice. She tried to speak, but she was paralyzed. What was wrong with her? She had no reason to be afraid! Once again, her body failed to respond to rationality.

     "Hello? Who is this?" the voice asked, sounding slightly irritated.

     Rei licked her dry lips then replied in a wavering voice, "Ikari-kun... it is Ayanami."

     "Ayanami? Does NERV need me for something?" He sounded surprised, which was not surprising, since Rei preferred to inform him of such things in person.

     "No... it is a personal matter. Could... could you come over to my apartment now?" she asked.

     There was a long pause that caused Rei's heart to sink. Of course he would not come. Why should he? She was just the strange girl he worked with. He owed her no loyalty or consideration. She had been wrong to think that Ikari-kun considered her important.

     Ikari, sounding hesitant, said, "But... I'm in school. Could I come over after?"

     Rei's grip on her phone tightened. "No, it must be now. Please, Ikari-kun... please..." She hated the way her voice cracked. She hated how weak she felt. Her control was slipping away again. No! She was not a little girl who would cry at every sign of trouble. But despite her best effort, she could not prevent a sob from escaping her lips.

     "I'll be there in ten minutes," Ikari said surprising her with the urgency in his voice. He hung up.

     Rei stared at her phone feeling both elated and a little disgusted with herself. She resolved not to embarrass herself further in the future then she sat down the bed to wait for the male pilot.

     Two minutes later, she found herself fidgeting. Simply sitting here waiting seemed inappropriate somehow. Ikari-kun was breaking multiple school regulations for her. She felt she should do something as a gesture of appreciation. It was a remarkably unusual impulse for her to have. She liked it.

     She had never invited someone over to her living quarters before. She could not remember if anyone besides the Commander and the NERV deliverymen had been to her apartment before Shinji had been summoned to Tokyo-3. According to her hazy memories of etiquette lessons the Commander thought it would be useful for her to have, offering her guest some tea was the courteous thing to do in such a situation.

     Rei went into the kitchen and searched the cupboards. She was surprised to find a dusty but serviceable package of tea in a corner. For some reason she had tea, though she had never made it. How many tea leaves were needed to make tea? More tea should be better than less tea, she reasoned. She dumped in a large spoonful.

     Following the directions for heating the tea was simple for a girl used to piloting a giant death-machine. She had just finished setting up the table when Ikari-kun came running into her apartment and collapsed on the floor.

     "The tea will be ready soon," she informed him. Her lips twitched and it took her a second to realize that she was amused because of the situation on the floor.

     "Arigato," Ikari gasped, his chest rapidly inflating and deflating.

     The kettle whistled. Without thinking, Rei reached out and grabbed it. She suddenly cried out from the burning pain coursing up her arm.

     "Are you okay?" Ikari yelled jumping to his feet.

     "I just... got burnt a little," Rei stammered, staring at her reddened fingers. She was no stranger to pain, but this really _hurt_.

     "Here! Just put cold water on it!" Ikari cried, pulling an unresisting Rei over to the sink and shoving her hand under the faucet.

     The sudden burst of freezing water on her wound was almost as painful as the burn itself. Rei bit her lip to keep back her cries. It was infuriating to have her sense of touch now be so sensitive. She shouldn't be so affected by such a minor injury!

     Ikari grabbed her hand again and pulled it up to his face and studied it intently. With his other hand, he ran his fingers lightly over the tips of hers. "Does that hurt?"

     "No..." Rei replied quickly turning her head away so Ikari-kun wouldn't see her blush. She was extremely aware of his warm, gentle hands overlapping hers. Why was she reacting like this? Ikari-kun had _fallen_ on her before and she hadn't felt like this!

     Ikari's face suddenly turned red and he dropped her hand like he had been the one burnt. He quickly turned away and muttered, "I'm... I'm going to pour the tea."

     He picked up the teapot with a potholder and began to pour. Still not looking at her, he said, "Um, I'm sorry that I took so long to get here. I had to, uh, convince Sensei that NERV needed me for a simulation run and then I had to pry Asuka off my back because she wouldn't believe that she wasn't needed... I _finally_ managed to lose her and that's when I realized that I had no money for a cab. Have you ever tried to run ten blocks in your uniform? No, that's a stupid question, sorry..."

     "Ikari-kun... you're talking a lot today," Rei said surprised to hear so many words come from the generally meek boy.

     "Huh? Oh... sorry..." Ikari replied looking directly at the floor. "You can drink now if you want."

     Rei felt a burst of anxiety at his misunderstanding. She said quickly, "That was an observation, not a criticism."

     Ikari didn't reply, but she saw the tension in his shoulders drain away. Rei joined him at the table and the next five minutes were spent in silence, except for the occasional cough Ikari would give after every sip. His grimacing was a bit irritating since the tea tasted fine to her.

     She was on her second cup when Ikari spoke. He said, "Um... Ayanami... why am I here? I thought you were in trouble, but..." He spread his hands and shrugged.

     Rei had been dreading the question. She was at a loss at what to say. She felt that she shouldn't tell him about the necklace. It wasn't that she thought he wouldn't believe her, she just felt that she shouldn't. But she had to tell him something to explain her strange behavior. Or did she?

     Experience had shown her that Ikari-kun did not take change very well. She didn't have to say anything. Ikari-kun should be used to her reticence. He didn't have to understand anything. He only had to help her. He could come to his own conclusions.

     That thought discomforted her so much she had to put it aside. No, he deserved to know what was going on. The what, if not the why. She had enough deception for a lifetime. She stared into her cup. The tea was quite a pretty color. She said quietly, "Something has happened to me..."

     She could feel him staring at her. Her chest tightened in anticipation. Would he run? Would he be glad for her or would he be horrified? Most importantly, would he tell his _father_? She thought she knew him, but how much could one really know a person?

     Rei blurted, "Did you mean it?"

     "Nani?!"

     Her eyes rose from her cup and she saw his startled expression. She was surprised herself. What possessed her to say that? But it was too late to take the words back; she would have to explain herself. She closed her eyes and concentrated. His words had haunted her for months and she could still hear them in her mind.

     "We might not have anything besides the EVA program right now... someday, we'll be glad that we survived... as long as we stay alive... it might be far in the future... but until then... let's live on. Even on a black and empty street... if we go together... we might one day find something..."

     "...like the moon that floats in the darkness," Ikari finished softly.

     He looked confused. So confused that he forgot to be nervous. He straightened up in his chair and then he did a very uncharacteristic thing. He took his eyes off the table and stared directly into hers. He seemed to be looking for something.

     Rei stared back, resisting the urge to jerk her head away.

     Finally, Ikari turned his head away, seemingly lost in his thoughts. He murmured, "Something's different."

     "Did you mean it?" Rei repeated.

     "Of course I meant it." Ikari looked at her with pleading eyes. "Ayanami, what is this about?"

     Was it her imagination or did she see a spark of _hope_ in his eyes? She glanced at the expression on his face that she now recognized as mild hurt. She looked at his fists that were clenched in frustration. Then she looked back into his eyes and she saw no deception there.

     She saw only worry. The same worry that occupied his eyes the first time she saw him in the launch bay, after the encounter with the Fifth Angel, and every time he and Soryu would walk off leaving her alone.

     Her inner voice spoke. _There is only one question you have to ask yourself. Do you trust him?_

     Her response was immediate and made without hesitation. _With my life._

     The knot in her stomach loosened. He cared for her well-being. She had nothing to fear from that.

     "I need your help..." Rei began, finally allowing herself to relax.


	5. A Conversation

Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. Some people think it's sad that I'm writing about other people's characters, but Sadomoto will one day discover that I'm his long-lost, abandoned son and who will be laughing then?! :)

Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

* * *

-Arc I: A Conversation-

"I need your help..." Rei began, finally allowing herself to relax.

Rei paused to organize her thoughts. Where was she to begin? She looked into her tea again, but she found no enlightenment in the shimmering liquid. Nothing in her life had ever prepared her for such potential vulnerability. Then again, she never had to consider such an outrageous possibility.

It was amazing how far she had come in so short a time. She never would have imagined sitting in her apartment with another person ready to reveal her innermost thoughts and feelings. Still, she could not speak. But this hesitation was not due to lack of trust in her confidant.

Revealing her feelings would mean admitting openly that there were parts of her life she was dissatisfied with. Once the words were spoken, there would be no way to take them back. The unspoken worries and pains she had carried around for so long would gain an independent existence from her mind.

Perhaps it is like crying, Rei thought. Perhaps it would be therapeutic to release the pressure that had been building up inside her for so long. She really hoped it would be.

Rei glanced up at Ikari's face and took comfort from his hesitant smile. She was not the only one who was anxious. She said, "For you to fully understand my situation there are some things about myself that I must explain first.

"I am aware of how I am perceived by others. I am described as cold, emotionless, inhuman... and other adjectives not appropriate in a civil conversation."

Ikari shifted in his seat. He mumbled, "I wouldn't go that far..."

"You are kind," Rei interrupted. "But mistaken. What my peers say is harsh but not necessarily untrue. I _am _different from everyone else. My appearance is not natural. My reactions to external events do not match that of the norm. For all intents and purposes, I am... a freak."

Rei stopped again, feeling an unexpected lump in her throat. She quickly cleared her throat then continued, "There is one area, however, where the students are mistaken about me. I am _not_ emotionless. Contrary to popular belief, I have emotions and desires that I do not believe are any different from yours...

"Actually, this is not quite true. Most people, as far as I can tell, spend a great deal of time pondering their feelings and that of others. They will live through an experience then later go over in their minds how they were emotionally affected. I do this to some degree, but I am more concerned about how an experience will affect my performance at NERV rather than how _good_ or _bad_ it makes me feel."

Ikari-kun seemed transfixed by her words. "You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?"

"I had plenty of time..."

Rei's eyes sought out her kitchen window, and she stared out at the crumbling buildings. This was a view she was intimately familiar with after so many years. She knew every crack and stain, every decoration and hole. There had been walls before this. The gleaming walls of her room at NERV and the transparent walls of her first home, the cloning tanks. There had always been walls.

_ All I have is time. Time to observe, to study, and to wonder… what's on the other side._

"Understanding one's self is vital to understanding the world," Rei said softly. She looked down. "I may not have done as well in this venue as I thought."

Ikari shifted in his seat and Rei looked up at him. "Do you have a question?"

He rubbed the back of his head nervously then said, "If what you say is true... not that I'm saying it's not... then why is it that you don't show _any_ reaction to anything? Well, that's not always true. There was the time you slapped me and it's hard not to notice when you blush..."

Ikari turned red and rotated his head to stare longingly at the door.

Rei felt the strange tickling sensation inside her again, the same one she felt when she had seen Ikari-kun collapse on her floor from exhaustion. She decided that it was best to ignore the Third Child's strange behavior. She said, "You are asking why I act so _cold_ rather than merely _distant_."

She didn't think it was possible, but Ikari turned even redder.

"I didn't mean to imply..."

"It is all right. It is a good question," Rei said. "There is another factor that may explain my social awkwardness. From my reading, I believe that while some emotional reactions are innate such as fear in reaction to danger, others are learned. Why would a person _fear_ a test? Because he has learned to associate anxiety with it.

"Emotion is not merely physical, it is also mental and my intellectual reactions do not always coincide with my physical ones. Social cues you take for granted mean almost nothing to me. I have to struggle to put them into context and perform the appropriate response. I often fail. My feelings are, for lack of a better word, less _intense_ than yours. For the most part, I am not happy or unhappy. I simply... am..."

"That's horrible," Ikari whispered.

Rei felt her eyes well up and she had to blink furiously to clear her vision. There were so many things she wanted to say to him right then, but all she could manage was a soft, "Thank you."

She didn't know why she was thanking him. Her life was not as horrible as Ikari-kun seemed to believe. She had been quite content to live a quiet life of duty and order.

_ Even now, you lie to yourself._

There had been times when she had wanted more, but those times had been few and far between.

_ You make it sound like a minor inconvenience. It was anything but that._

Those times had not come often, but when those times came... when they came, she literally could not force herself to get out of bed. She saw no reason to do anything. It hurt, it hurt so much to want something and not even know what it was she wanted. All she knew was that she was missing something vital that everyone else seemed to possess.

Her absences from school were not always because of NERV.

The Commander never mentioned it, but during these times he made sure to schedule more lunches with her. They helped to ease the pain a little. A part of her knew that he was simply making sure that his tool remained functional, but she did not care. He had never lied about where she stood with him and that honesty made him closer to her than anyone.

Until now. Ikari's eyes held the same kind of honesty, but it was more... pure. They held a different type of truth. She didn't want to look at those eyes.

_ Because they see you as you wish you were and not what you actually are. At least... until today._

"Do you believe in magic, Ikari-kun?" Rei asked impulsively. She raised her hand to her mouth in shock. She hadn't meant to raise the subject so abruptly!

Ikari's expression was not what she expected. It was one of thoughtfulness rather than surprise. He sighed deeply then said, "These days I don't know what to believe anymore."

Rei didn't know how to reply to this. She fingered her pendant unconsciously thinking that perhaps she had once again underestimated Shinji Ikari.

"Does this have to do with what happened to you?" Ikari asked.

"Yes..." Rei replied. She struggled to put her experience into words. How did one describe the impossible? This was so difficult!

"Is it classified?" Ikari asked.

"In a way..."

"Then just tell me what I need to know," he said, sounding resigned, but his lopsided grin told her that he didn't really mind.

Rei felt a rush of gratitude toward him. Ikari-kun was always considerate of others, often to the point of ridiculousness, but she appreciated that trait very much at the moment.

"I have been given the chance to see what I am missing..."

She stumbled over her words wanting him to understand, but at the same time reluctant to allow him to get so close to her. She cared very much for what he thought and she was afraid to find out what it was.

_ I never cared before. No, that's not true. I simply was not supposed to care, but I did._

"I never knew that I was missing anything before, but I met a man who showed me otherwise..."

The broken glasses on her dresser, the beaker full of water, and the desk by the window... they used to be enough for her, but now that she could _see_...

"I have emotions, but I could not and would not act upon them... Now I can..."

Rei wanted to tell him how overwhelming it was, how wondrous and horrifying this day has been, but she lacked the words to tell him. How could she explain an experience that Ikari took completely for granted?

"And it's amazing," she finished lamely.

Ikari looked stunned at this. Rei understood that this was a lot to take in, but when Ikari continued to stare silently at her, she experienced a sinking sensation in her chest.

"You don't believe me?" Rei asked, crest-fallen.

After some hesitation and feet-shuffling, Ikari replied, "No, that's the thing. I do believe you. I can't really explain why because I'm not sure myself. I should be more surprised, but I'm not. Maybe it's because I've seen so many strange things since I came here that this seems small in comparison. I guess I'm happy for you, but I'm worried. What do you want me to do?"

_ Trust Ikari to be self-centered at a time like this_, Rei thought then immediately felt ashamed. She was being unfair. She had unloaded so much strange and disorienting information onto Ikari-kun and given him no virtually time to assimilate it. Anyone would be wary at this point.

Rei took another deep breath. She had been doing a lot of that lately. She said, "I have a simple request to make of you. The change will last twenty-four hours and I wish to use them effectively. I lack the knowledge and experience of what I should do with myself now that I am like this. I would be grateful if you could teach me on what people our age normally do. Also, I would... like to see the city."

Ikari was silent for much longer this time.

Rei felt she should say something and didn't know why. Silence had never been so uncomfortable before. Ikari-kun had not said a word for ten minutes now and that was making her nervous. She reasoned it was simply because she was uncertain of his motives. She needed to understand, but she struggled to remain composed.

Another five minutes passed and Rei's resolve to wait patiently slowly withered away. Ikari was not running away in terror, so this was good, right? What was taking so long then? Was he simply trying to find a way to refuse her gently?

Ikari-kun seemed like two different people at times. Each time she found herself in a situation where it was necessary to speak to him, she could never be certain whether she would be speaking to the compassionate young man who had cleaned her apartment or the apathetic, selfish boy who had ran away because he was too consumed with his own pain to notice that of others.

She wondered how Ikari-kun would respond if she was to present this observation to him. He would undoubtedly be astounded that she was capable of such a sophisticated thought. It wouldn't be his fault. Present an unsmiling, blank face to the world and most would assume a lack of a mind behind it. Her lack of emotional understanding may have isolated her from the world, but it also allowed her to see it more clearly than most people.

The separation of emotion from thought produced naivety, not blindness. She wished that she still had that unfiltered vision. A little objectivity would be nice right now. Rei tried once again to catch Ikari-kun's eye, but he wouldn't look at her. He kept staring at a fixed point on the table.

Rei gripped her hands tightly under the table determined that she would not be the first to break the silence. It should be simple for her to pretend that she could care less about Ikari-kun's decision. Despite her resolve, she could not keep her face in its customary blankness. She knew she was failing with every twitch and squirm. Finally, she gave up.

Right as Rei was about to speak, regardless of the consequences, Ikari looked up at her.

"Why me?" He asked in a voice barely above a whisper.

Rei blinked in confusion.

Ikari said, "You can't be asking _me_ for help. I don't know anything about this!" His arms tensed for a moment then all in the energy in him seemed to drain away. He said pleadingly, "I can't do this."

Rei felt like all the heat in the room had vanished.

"You don't want to be here. You are frightened of me now. I understand," Rei said, looking down at her clammy hands. She could not keep the sadness out of her tone.

Ikari jerked, almost knocking over his tea. "No, Ayanami! You misunderstand me. I _want _to be here. I won't lie. Seeing you like this scares me a little, but in a way, I have been waiting for this. I don't know how it happened and I really don't care.

"But... but..." Ikari took a shuddering breath. "You want someone to help you understand your feelings. Can't you see why I'm the worst choice possible?"

"There is no one else," Rei replied before she realized how that sounded.

Ikari gave a laugh that was obviously forced. There was a hollow quality to it that caused her to shiver. He said, "Better no one then than a weak coward like me."

"Ikari-kun... please..."

He wasn't listening. "If I'm your only chance, then you're screwed!"

Ikari's head whipped around.

He raised a hand to his cheek and stared at Rei's raised hand. "You... slapped me. Again!"

Rei was flustered. She lowered her hand. "I... couldn't let you speak like that about yourself."

"Why not? It's true!" Ikari shouted.

"No, it's not!" Rei shouted back.

Ikari jerked like he had been slapped again. Rei sat in stunned silence, unable to believe that she had actually raised her voice. It stung her throat a little too. But Ikari's words had reignited the spark of anger in her and she was letting him know it.

She stumbled over to the window and stared outside. She was too embarrassed to look at him. She should let him leave, but she couldn't. It hurt to hear his words. She didn't know why, but she couldn't bear it.

Rei said in a strained voice, "Did you listen to anything I told you? You keep telling me that you are less than nothing. How can you say that to _me_?"

"Of course I did... I didn't mean... you really don't think it's true?" Ikari stammered, sounding ashamed and confused at the same time.

Rei was glad that she still couldn't see him because she suspected that her face had turned red. In what she hoped was a neutral tone, she said, "You have saved my life, the life of Pilot Soryu, and the lives of everyone on Earth multiple times. These are not the actions of a coward. Even if you do not believe that, believe that I believe that."

"Ayanami..."

Rei turned around when she heard the strange inflection in his voice.

Ikari stared at her as if he had never seen her before. "Is that what you really think about me?"

Rei crossed her arms. "Whatever else may have changed, I do not lie. My thoughts and opinions are my own. I simply feel freer to express them now. I respect your abilities and am confident that you will do your best not to fail me. Now, I will ask you again. Will you help me?"

Ikari's eyes shimmered with a strange light. He said, "I would be honored."

"Why?" Rei replied bluntly.

"_W-why?_" Ikari repeated, his forehead wrinkling.

Rei's lips twitched. _I believe I now understand what is meant by the saying, 'His expression was priceless.'_

"You wanted to know why I chose you. It is only fair that I know why you want to help me," Rei said. _I also want to know why you have always helped me in the past._

Ikari hesitated then seemed to come to a decision. He leaned forward. "Could you sit down first?" After she did so, he gave out a long sigh. "You have been extremely honest with me. In fact, I think this is the most I ever heard you say. I appreciate that and I guess it's my turn."

He started drawing small circles on the table with his finger, seeming embarrassed. "I have never told anybody this, but when I first came to Tokyo-3... I saw you outside the train station... or least I saw a vision of you. This was before I even met you! I know that sounds crazy..."

Rei raised her eyebrows at him and Ikari chuckled. "Okay, maybe not so crazy. Anyway, she seemed so real. It kinda freaked me out when she disappeared." His voice grew softer. "What I remember most about that girl... wasn't her blue hair or red eyes, though that was what caught my attention. It was... how sad she looked..."

Ikari shifted his eyes away from her and cleared his throat. "I knew then that I wanted to help her. I had never wanted to help anyone before..."

He took a deep breath then said, "I'm still not sure about this, but I'm glad you called me to help you. You and Asuka are some of the only friends I have. I mean, Touji and Kensuke are my friends too, but they don't go through the stuff we do..."

Ikari continued to talk, but Rei was too dazed to make out his words. Her head suddenly felt too heavy for her neck and she had to prop it up with her hand. Ikari-kun considered her a friend? She actually had a friend?

A pleasant, tingly feeling made itself known to her and she couldn't help but smile.

"Rei..." Ikari said with widened eyes. "You're smiling..."

Rei shrugged and took immense pleasure out of performing such a simple movement. She felt very warm then. "I am... happy. Isn't this what I'm supposed to do?"

She stared at him, still smiling, and after a moment, he smiled back. He said softly, "Yeah, it is."

* * *

Author's Notes:

Rei comes across as very deep in this chapter and I intentionally made her that way. Quiet people are the deepest after all. Being one myself, I should know. Her philosophical musings on Man's fear of the darkness that she told Shinji and Asuka on the hilltop outside Tokyo-3 seems to point in that direction.

She goes to school and doesn't talk. She goes to NERV and only speaks when necessary. At home, she probably does nothing. So she must obviously spend a lot of time thinking. And what do most people think about? Themselves, of course. We're a self-centered lot we are!

My pre-reader Feyrbrand disagreed with this statement saying he mostly thought of others, so I fired him for being a better person than I was. Just kidding! I couldn't resist...

Anyway, sorry for the wait. I had some logistical problems. I want to give a warm, THANK YOU! to my pre-readers for this chapter: Feyrbrand, Ayanami-chan, and Wanderer.


	6. Going Shopping

Author's Notes:

I apologize for the delay in updating this story. The break was never meant to go on for so long.

WOTC was my first serious fanfiction in years and I didn't have the confidence in my skills or the desire to be a fanfic writer that I have now. Now, many stories later (including my new Evangelion fic, "Life Goes On" wink, wink), I feel I can get on with it.

So chapter 6 is posted today and chapter 7, which is already half-written, should be up after Thanksgiving. Thank you for your patience.

Perhaps no one is even reading this story any longer, but I've decided I don't care. This story may not have any real action or romance. It's just about a girl who's trying to find herself. But this is the type of story I always wanted to read about Rei Ayanami and I have to write it because no one else will!

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN 

-By funvince

* * *

-Arc I: Going Shopping- 

The train that the two Children ended up taking was nearly empty. That would have been unimaginable in pre-Second Impact days when white-gloved 'packers' were required to stuff passengers into the cars until they were near bursting. But due to the lower population densities of the present and because Angel attacks tended to drive people away from living in Tokyo-3, that was no longer the case.

Rei was extremely glad for this. She knew that she would eventually have to face large groups of people since that was rather unavoidable in big cities, but she appreciated the time to steel herself for the experience. She didn't have anything against people, but she had no idea what to make of them either.

She hadn't asked Ikari-kun where they were going since she trusted his judgment and if he had wanted to tell her, he would have. She found herself watching him stare out the window. Out of all the people she knew, she thought that he was the one most like her, and that intrigued her. She wanted to know what motivated him. What was it that kept him from giving up on life? And was it something she could learn?

He did not pilot Evangelion simply because he was ordered to do, and unlike the Second, he did not do it for glory and praise. His father's approval was important to him, but she didn't think this alone would have kept him around for so long. She had once told him that Eva was her link to humanity. In her own vague way, she had been trying to connect to others.

Ikari-kun, on the other hand, would probably be happier if he could sever all his social ties, relieving him of feelings of obligation and guilt. And she couldn't help feeling a twinge of resentment toward him for that. To watch someone squander everything she would never have made her want to shake the boy.

This line of thinking wasn't productive. The Third Child was going out of his way to help her and she hadn't even thanked him. She was grateful to him and it was his very aloofness that made it possible for him to be the only real friend she had. And friends shouldn't think negative thoughts about their friends, right?

Her new knowledge only pertained to feelings that she already had a faint familiarity with and friendship was outside her experience. And she had somehow wandered off her original train of thought. Rei gave out a frustrated sigh. There were definite disadvantages to her wish.

"Ayanami, are you okay?" Ikari asked, turning to look at her.

"I am a little nervous," Rei replied. After a momentary hesitation, she added, "I am also uncertain of my change in status. What are my obligations to you as your friend?"

Ikari looked taken back. "Forgive me, but you make it sound like I just hired you as an employee."

Rei turned the concept around in her mind then chose her words carefully. She said, "I do not mean to give offense, but perhaps it is best if you thought of it that way. I am new to this 'occupation' and am in need of training. I do not know what expectations and responsibilities I am supposed to live up to in relation to you."

"That's an... interesting way to look at it," Ikari replied. "But I guess it's fair to ask. Well, friendship is pretty simple. It's... it's..."

Ikari leaned his head back against the neck rest. He said morosely, "It's funny. I know what it is, but I never had to _explain_ it before. Maybe I'm not the right person to be asking. I'm sorry."

Rei began to wonder if the Third Child had some type of mood disorder. Low self-esteem alone would not explain such rapid changes in his emotional states. But she was hardly one to talk about erratic moods at the moment.

Dealing with it was relatively straightforward though since it involved gentle repetition, which she was quite good at. And if reassurance failed, there was always slapping to fall back upon.

Rei said patiently, "Again, you are the only person I trust with this and any help you can give me is appreciated. I do not believe an incomplete answer will adversely affect me."

"Okay, I'll try," Ikari said, looking relieved. He leaned forward and said, "When you're friends with someone, you listen to them. You help them with their problems, you share personal information. I guess you could do nice things for them if you wanted. You go out and share fun experiences. Things like that."

"Basically, everything we are doing right now," Rei said.

"Uh, yeah," Ikari replied.

Rei thought this over. Finally, she said in a worried tone, "There seems to be an inequity. You have performed all these services for me yet I have done nothing for you."

"Uh, that's not necessary," Ikari said quickly.

"Do not Major Katsuragi and Pilot Soryu perform nice actions for you?"

"Well, Misato does..." Ikari replied slowly. He shook his head. "If at some point in the future you want to do something nice for me because you want to then that's okay. You shouldn't do it because you feel that you owe me something."

Rei felt relieved. She had always hated not knowing what she was supposed to do. "That is acceptable. Your explanation of my duties was satisfactory."

Ikari gave her a look of discomfort. "I wouldn't call them duties. They're more like... suggestions. And Ayanami? I'm not your boss. You don't have to do what I say or feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. If there's anything you're uncomfortable with today, I want you to tell me."

"So it is acceptable for me to disagree with you?" Rei asked hesitantly.

"Oh, definitely," Ikari said with enthusiasm. "If I agreed with half of what Touji and Kensuke come up with and acted on any of it, I'd be slapped by most of the girls in our class."

"Th- Thank you, Ikari-kun," Rei said, looking at the ground. She could feel her face turning red again. Terms of gratitude were still new for her, but she needed him to know.

"You're welcome... Um, there is one thing... if you want to… No, never mind..."

"What is it?" Rei asked gently.

Ikari looked like he wanted to burrow into the seat and disappear. He took a deep breath and babbled, "YoucancallmeShinjiifyouwant."

Rei blinked then her eyes widened. The use of first names without invitation among the Japanese people was very common these days, which was why strangers and acquaintances alike addressed her so familiarly. But she had been raised in a more traditional manner and felt that she could not reciprocate.

She had never expected to receive such a request from anyone. Rei replied, "I would like that... Shinji. But only if you respond in kind."

Ikari, no, Shinji gave a sigh of relief then nodded at her in confirmation.

* * *

Rei stared at the Tokyo-3 mall. She had often heard other students speak of this place, but she had never been there. It was in no way as imposing as a typical skyscraper, yet she couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. 

There were so many _people_. Men, women, and children of all ages either wandered the parking lot looking for their vehicles or were heading toward the front entrance. Rei couldn't understand why she felt so tense and jumpy when she walked through crowds of people every day.

The feeling grew worse when she and Shinji actually entered through the doors. She was immediately overwhelmed by how noisy it was. People were talking and laughing and even yelling at each other. The din was made worse by the ringing and rumbling of arcade games and soda dispensers.

The fluorescent lights made her feel slightly ill and the rapid blinking of various neon signs scattered her thoughts before they could fully form. Rei could feel the weight of a dozen eyes watching her and she felt the intense urge to flee. But she couldn't move and she couldn't breathe...

A far-away, distorted voice asked, "Rei... is... every... thing... okay...?"

Rei wrenched her focus away from the overabundance of stimuli to concentrate on Shinji's words. The scene in front of her seemed to stretch and warp for an instant then everything snapped into coherency. The anxiety subsided and Rei suddenly felt in control again. She felt very weary, but she was no longer in danger of panicking.

She looked over at Shinji's worried face and managed a faint smile. "I just need some time to adjust. Could we sit down for a little bit?"

Rei didn't elaborate on the cause for her request. It would only agitate Shinji and send him into making profuse apologies. After sitting down on a bench, Rei stared down at a blue-green tile on the floor, waiting for her mind to settle down. She examined the glimmering, wavy patterns etched onto the square for a few minutes, allowing the noise around her to wash through her body.

At last, she asked, "Shinji, why are we here?"

"You said that you wanted to see what regular people did and you wanted to see the city, and well, a mall is kind of a small city in itself. You got different types of people just walking around and you have businesses and coffee shops... It's an exaggerated version of a city. You have all the hustle and bustle but none of the crime and poverty. Does that make any sense?"

Rei nodded. It was an intriguing metaphor.

"I didn't think that it would be so crowded today," Shinji murmured. "This was a stupid idea. I should have known better. I'm sorry."

"No, I would like to stay. This is something that I need to experience. Perhaps if we had more time we could go more slowly, but we do not."

Shinji had a thoughtful look. "Well, there's still no real hurry. Why don't we just sit here for awhile?"

Rei had never taken the time to examine people before. Scenery was the only thing she had ever taken interest in looking at before, but it seemed that people were equally as fascinating. There was so much variety yet just as much similarity.

There was a harried-looking woman surrounded by screaming children. A few stores further down, there was another woman with just as many children, but they followed her more quietly. A group of leather-clad teenagers (with strange hair styles and metal ornaments on their faces) walked by their bench. They seemed aggressive but not significantly different from the group of teenagers wearing more conventional attire standing in front of a clothing store.

Rei didn't know what to make of these observations. At school and at NERV, she had been constantly surrounded by people wearing uniforms. This was supposed to produce conformity and an adherence to the established rules. The actions going on around her were frighteningly chaotic yet the people were obviously following some form of rules that she wasn't familiar with. There weren't any hierarchies or set roles, but there wasn't the anarchy she had expected either.

The Commander had taught her the importance of following regulations and procedures. To do otherwise was to create unhappiness and confusion. These people didn't seem to be severely unhappy or confused. They moved with vigor and purpose.

She could almost literally feel the energy in the area from the constant motion, sound, and laughter. But what struck her most of all about these people regardless of whether they were strolling at a leisurely pace or seemed to be in some anxious hurry, they were unafraid.

With the possibility of an Angel attack at any moment, this seemed odd, so she asked Shinji for his thoughts.

"You can't let fear keep you from living," Shinji replied. Then he looked startled and gave a weak smile. "Strange words to be coming out of my mouth, I know. But I always thought you were like that. You don't let things get to you."

Rei pondered that. Fear was an instinctive response of the body to danger that was in many ways counterproductive to survival, so she had never paid much attention to it. Did that make her brave or simply repressed?

"I think I have recovered. I would like to continue," Rei said.

They got up and started walking nowhere in particular. Some of the shoppers stared at Rei strangely, which she did not like. Without thinking, Rei grabbed Shinji's arm for comfort.

Shinji's face grew red. He stammered, "Um, what looks interesting to you? There's the arcade or the food court. Girls apparently like to try on clothes. Asuka and Misato dragged me here a few times. We could just walk around..." He trailed off then shrugged.

"You know more than I do. I leave the decision to you," Rei replied. Then she watched in fascination as Shinji's face went from surprised to anxious then to thoughtful. He said, "I have an idea you might like."

They ended up walking to a bookstore. Rei felt both excited and overwhelmed as she saw row after row of bulging bookshelves. There were so many choices! And she could now make one without being paralyzed by doctrine. She tried to focus on something inconsequential to fight off her sudden dizziness.

"Shinji? Why are there sofas in the middle of the store?"

"Those are for people to sit in and read."

"After they buy the books?" Rei asked.

"Not necessarily," Shinji replied. "Many people just like to come in and read. They don't have to buy the books they look at. Some people even sit all day to read entire books."

"Why does the store encourage such behavior? Does that not defeat the purpose of making money?" Rei asked. The subject had just been a distraction tactic, but now she was truly interested in understanding this oddity.

Shinji's brow furrowed in thought. "Well, I suppose. I never thought about it, but it is kinda strange. But _all_ bookstores do that. I guess they have their reasons. Maybe making money isn't the most important thing to them."

Rei could feel the beginnings of a headache coming. She said, "That doesn't make sense! How can the reason for their existence not be the most important thing?" She knew she was being a little irrational about this matter, but she couldn't let go of it. There was something important that she was missing and she had to know what it was.

Shinji seemed taken back by her outburst. He spread his hands and shrugged. "Maybe they had more than one purpose when they opened. Or maybe they came up with another one at some point. I don't know... I'm sorry..."

"Came up with another purpose..." Rei whispered. Was that possible? Evidently, it was. Wasn't that what she was doing with her wish? No, she was not seeking to change her life. This was merely a sidetrack created in a moment of weakness. Tomorrow she would return to normal and she would be fully committed to her purpose again. But despite this assertion, she couldn't help wondering if it was possible to do both...

Deciding that it was too confusing to continue with this issue, Rei walked through the aisles to consider her reading options. She decided to start out in the children's section, which didn't seem as threatening as the other ones. She looked over the classics shelf and after some thought, she selected a book entitled, _Ella Enchanted._

Rei read the back cover silently. _At her birth, Ella of Frell was the unfortunate recipient of a foolish fairy's gift – the "gift" of obedience. Ella must obey any order given to her, whether it's hopping on one foot for a day and a half, or chopping off her own head! But strong-willed Ella does not tamely accept her fate..._

The girl's situation only superficially resembled her own. Rei herself would never dream of trying to defy her fate, but yet she felt a strange kinship with the girl. She too had been 'cursed' from birth to be subject to the will of others. Perhaps it wasn't the best reason for choosing a book, but she felt satisfied with her decision nonetheless.

Rei looked at her book then at Shinji who was smiling encouragingly at her. She wanted to explore the book she had chosen of her own free will and not because a teacher had assigned it, but she also wanted to spend time with her friend. Then she spotted a middle-aged woman reading aloud to a young girl in the corner of the store and she had an idea.

"Would you read this to me?" Rei asked holding out her book.

Shinji scratched the back of his head in evident confusion. "Why?"

"You have a nice voice," she informed him then wondered why he blushed. It seemed that her new understanding of emotions didn't cover everything.

* * *

Some hours later, Rei and Shinji walked around the mall exploring various stores. Rei had never known that there were so many varieties of objects and she began to understand a little as to why people like to own such things. She knew that if she had been here in her original state she would have thought that looking at objects that she did not intend to buy was a complete waste of time. She would have missed the big picture that this was not about merchandise, but about spending time with a friend. 

That was an unfortunate fact to discover about herself. Would she still feel that way when she changed back? Would even an inkling of her new understanding remain with her or would she have to start again from absolute scratch? Then she realized that there would be no starting over. She would be a doll again and while she would be somewhat sad, she wouldn't take a single step to go beyond her defined boundaries.

"Rei... you're crying," Shinji said softly.

Rei touched her cheek and felt the moisture. Odd, she hadn't even noticed that she had started producing tears. She didn't want to worry Shinji with her problems, so she said the first thing that came to mind. "What are they doing?"

Shinji looked like he wanted to press the matter, but without protest he looked over at a play area where a large group of children were gathered around a booth. "That's just a puppet show."

Rei watched the children yell and clap their hands as two cloth dolls jabbered at each other. She paid no attention to the show itself. Her entire attention was focused on the happiness on the children's small faces and the sounds coming out of their mouths. It must be nice to be so carefree, she thought.

"Please tell me what's wrong," Shinji said.

"You do not need to be concerned," Rei replied, looking away from him.

Shinji sighed. "Do you always avoid answering a question directly?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ayanami!" Shinji looked both amused and irritated.

Rei looked down. "Forgive me. There is a saying... old habits die hard? No one ever truly wanted to know my thoughts before. I am not used to it."

"But I've been asking you what you think for the last year!" Shinji protested. "About piloting EVA, about my father, about why you live the way you do..."

"I know. And I am grateful. But like I said, I am not used to it." Rei looked back at the children again then she looked back at the boy next to her. It would be nice to share her thoughts with someone who was truly interested in them and he was one of the few people she knew that she trusted completely. So she said, "I want to laugh. It seems... enjoyable."

Shinji looked startled. "Haven't you ever laughed?"

Rei thought over the question. She knew from her readings that infants started laughing at four months of age so it stood to reason that she had to have done it at some point. She had the vague notion that the first Rei had laughed, but the residual memories were too indistinct to be certain. Finally, she replied, "Not that I can recall."

Shinji looked sad at that. "I don't know how much help I can be. I don't laugh much either."

"Please disregard my last request. It is not necessary..." Rei began.

Shinji sighed again. "You know, compared to you I'm the most selfish person on Earth. Rei, I _want_ to help you be happy and I will."

Rei wanted to thank him, but the words died on her lips when she saw three people heading toward them. They were Touji Suzuhara, Kensuke Aida, and Hikari Horaki. It appeared that her day was about to get more interesting.


	7. A Confrontation

Disclaimer: The world of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the characters contained within do not belong to me. I am only borrowing them for my own twisted purposes. This story is for entertainment purposes only and not for profit because no one in their right mind would buy a fanfic from me. :)

Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

* * *

WISHES OF THE CHILDREN 

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

* * *

-Arc I: Confrontations- 

Rei watched the three teenagers heading toward them. Aida and Suzuhara both had knowing leers on their faces. This was nothing new. The two boys gained this look whenever any female talked to Shinji. She didn't quite understand why though. It undoubtedly had something to do with their obsession with sexual matters.

Class Representative Horaki had a befuddled expression on her face, probably wondering what someone like her was doing at the mall. This observation disturbed Rei a little. It was true that she had never been to the mall before, but Horaki wouldn't know that. So why would she be so obviously surprised at her presence? Did she give out such a strong aura of isolation?

Shinji motioned for her attention then asked, "Do you want to get away from them?"

"I do not know," Rei said honestly. A part of her wanted to run away from their questioning eyes, but a more perverse part wanted to see how they would react to her changes.

"Well, it's too late to back out now," Shinji commented as their classmates descended upon them.

"Hey, guys," Suzuhara greeted. "Sure is a surprise to run into you two."

"It is a surprise to us as well," Rei managed to say. Then much to her own surprise as well as the surprise of the group, she asked, "Are you having an enjoyable outing?"

Horaki was the first to recover. "Yes we are. Thank you for asking."

Aida nudged Suzuhara in the side. He whispered something that Rei had no trouble picking up with her strong hearing. "I told you she probably acted differently outside of school. No one could be that cold all the time."

Rei didn't know whether to feel hurt by this affront or flattered that the boy had such misguided confidence in her. Emotions were so confusing.

"So what are you guys doing here?" Shinji asked.

"Kensuke and I were just going to the arcade," Suzuhara replied. Then he pointed his thumb at Horaki. "The class rep here invited herself along as usual."

Horaki rolled her eyes. "As I recall, you two were following _me_. I don't know why. I'm just going to beat you at DDR as always."

"In your dreams! Your chicken legs don't stand a chance against me!"

"What did you say!"

Horaki and Suzuhara started whispering angrily at each other, ignoring the stares that passer-bys were giving them.

Aida just shrugged then turned to Shinji. "So what are you doing with Ayanami? You wouldn't happen to be on a date now, would you?"

"What? No! It's not like that!" Shinji sputtered, turning bright red. He then began making inarticulate noises and gesturing frantically.

Seeing that her friend was incapacitated for the moment, Rei said, "Shinji was just taking me... shopping."

Aida raised his eyebrows at her use of Shinji's name, but he didn't say anything.

Horaki walked away from Suzuhara, cutting him off in mid-rant, over to Rei. "Are you buying some new clothes then?"

"I have no need for new clothes," Rei replied. "My uniform is sufficient for my needs. We are merely looking around."

"Oh. You should consider buying some stuff though. You should wear something other than your school uniform all the time. Oh, no offense, Shinji."

Shinji protested, "Hey! I wear other stuff! Well, sometimes..."

Rei hadn't noticed it before, but she now realized that she and Shinji were dressed differently from the others. Touji wore his customary sweats. Kensuke had on jeans and a t-shirt that said 'Go ahead, make my data!' Hikari was wearing a purple tank top and denim shorts.

Aida said, "You guys can keep jabbering all you want, but I really need to check out the new Ultimate Vengeance game. See you at the arcade."

"Yeah, we'll see ya," Suzuhara replied, waving his friend off.

As soon as Aida left, Suzuhara's smile disappeared. He gave Shinji a nervous look. "Hey, man, I've been meaning to talk to you about something. Do you have a moment?" He shuffled his feet, looking very miserable.

Shinji said, "I don't know..." He looked over at Rei.

Please don't leave me! Rei wanted to scream, but she managed to restrain herself. Every instinct she had wanted her to run away dragging Shinji behind her; but, she knew what Suzuhara wanted to talk about and she knew that she couldn't get in the way. She didn't know why though. Perhaps it was because she had known true fear for the first time in her life that morning and she did not wish for anyone to suffer through that alone.

"It is okay. You should go talk to your friends," Rei said.

Shinji gave her a surprised but grateful look. "But what about you? I don't want to leave you here by yourself..."

"I'd be happy to show her around while you boys go goof off," Horaki volunteered suddenly. "It's no fun shopping by myself anyway."

"I thought you were going to the arcade," Shinji said.

"I can do that later. Besides, this seems important." She gave Touji an inscrutable look. "So you guys do your guy talk and we'll meet up later."

So it was agreed that in about an hour they would all regroup at the food court.

After the boys left, Horaki seemed to deflate a bit and smiled weakly at the blue-haired girl. Rei saw this and felt bad. "I am sorry if my presence makes you uncomfortable. I can wait here if you would like to go shopping on your own."

Horaki looked startled. "Oh no! I didn't mean make it seem like I didn't want you around. I just thought that you wouldn't want _me_ around! I mean, I just figured you didn't like me."

"Where did you get that idea?" Rei asked, quite surprised.

"I've been trying to talk to you for years and you rarely say anything when I do, so I just figured you didn't like talking to me."

"You were asking questions that had answers that were readily apparent such as 'what are you doing?' or questions that were of a personal nature such as 'how are you feeling?' I saw no need to respond."

"I was making small talk. If you didn't like what I was saying, you could have changed the subject," Horaki said.

Rei had no reply to that. She felt conflicted looking at Horaki. The class representative had never given up on trying to draw her out. Rei had not understood why, but she had done nothing to stop it. She had done nothing to encourage it either. Yet a small part of her had liked the attention.

She pondered her own contradictions. She wanted companionship yet she did everything possible to avoid it. Why? It was partly because she was sure that Commander Ikari would not approve of her forming social attachments, but there was more to it. Had she been afraid of what would happen if she allowed herself to be vulnerable? How could she both desire and fear something at the same time? She was discovering many things about herself today and not all of them were good.

Rei never quite understood why people seemed to enjoy talking purely for the sake of talking. Even now when she talked to Shinji she did so either to exchange information or to satisfy her curiosity, but maybe there was something to be learned from this.

"Miss Horaki, could you tell me more about this 'small talk?' "

"Call me Hikari and you have a deal," the brown-haired girl replied, smiling.

"Okay... Hikari."

* * *

Rei watched the class representative walk through the department store picking out various clothing. She tried her best to keep up her end of the disjointed conversation. Hora- no, Hikari was obviously trying to ask questions that were worth answering and Rei tried hard not to automatically ignore the ones that seemed pointless.

They did this for some time until Hikari set down her pile and looked at Rei. "Okay, you're making me a little nervous following me around like that. Why don't you pick out something for yourself to try on?"

Rei glanced at the clothes that Hikari had set on a table. She said, "I do not understand the purpose of owning so many varieties of clothing. Garments are to be used only for warmth and modesty, are they not?"

Hikari looked puzzled, but she did not ignore the question as Rei had expected. She said, "I never thought of it that way, but I think there is a reason. Clothes are a way of showing individuality. It allows us to show a part of our personalities to the world. When I'm not in school or going out, I select an outfit that matches my mood or the image I want to present that day."

No one had ever explained this to her in such a way before. But even if this was true it did not apply to her. She did not go out enough to require a wardrobe. Still, Hikari 's explanation evoked an odd impulse within her. She suddenly wanted very much so to show her 'individuality.' That word alone gave her a mild thrill. She had never thought of herself as an individual before.

Rei looked at the clothing again then reached out to feel the material. There would be no harm in simply trying on a few of these selected items. The point of this day was to try out new experiences after all. She picked up a blue blouse and held it in front of herself before looking into a mirror.

"What do you think?" Hikari asked.

Rei stared at herself for a long moment. "I... do not know. I have no basis for comparison, but it is... different."

"Rei... you would look great in that! It really complements your hair," Hikari said.

"You do not have to say that," Rei said quietly, turning her head away.

Hikari looked surprised. "I'm not. You're a beautiful girl. Don't you know that?"

Freak. Monster. Demon. Ugly witch. These were terms that she was familiar with. She could not refute them. She was an embodiment of everything humans feared. She was an unnatural abomination. A thing like her could not be considered beautiful. The class representative had to be mistaken if she truly meant her words.

Rei felt a hand squeeze her arm and she stiffened. Her first impulse was to push it away, but she couldn't bring herself to move. Her own words came back to her. _If physical contact was such a desirable state, then why did people go to such great lengths to avoid it?_

Lifting her hand to Hikari's, she gently squeezed back. She allowed herself to feel the comfort of another human being, and Rei found that she did feel a little better.

"I'm sorry if I said something wrong," Hikari said.

Rei could see the sincerity in the other girl's eyes and she felt herself softening. For Hikari's sake, she smiled weakly. "I was simply taken by surprise."

"Guten Tag, Hikari! It took me forever to find you..."

Rei slowly turned around and looked into a pair of dark blue eyes. Asuka Langley Soryu stared back at her with a dropped jaw, which she promplty closed with an audible snap.

A look of disdain appeared in her eyes and she turned away from Rei. "Hikari, what's _she_ doing here?"

Hikari looked flustered. She glanced left and right as if hoping for an interruption. "Um, I just ran into her. Shinji was taking her shopping..." Hikari covered her mouth, but it was too late.

"What! That idiot told me he was going to be at NERV all day! You're telling me he skipped school to hang out with this weirdo?" Soryu yelled.

Hikari mouthed 'I'm sorry' to Rei. Rei would have liked to tell her it was okay, but Soryu picked that moment to invade her personal space. The Second Child pressed her face in until their noses were only inches apart. She said slowly and clearly, "You stay away from him, Wondergirl. Do you understand me? Just to make sure, I'll put it in words you can understand. I _order_ you to stay away from Shinji."

"I do not take orders from you," Rei said tightly.

"Ooh, the doll talks back. Look, just because you're the Commander's favorite doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. Some of us follow the rules."

Isn't that the reason you dislike me so much? Rei wanted to ask. The hypocrisy was too much to take, so she focused on a different opening. "Why do you keep calling me a doll? I realize that I behave differently from most people, but I am what I am. Why do you dislike me so?"

"You want to know why, First Child? Because you never think for yourself. You do whatever you're told. Maybe that makes you good cannon fodder, but those are lousy qualities in a pilot."

Soryu began to pick up steam. "And the worst part of it is how you act. You're always acting so arrogant and superior! Like you're better than everyone else! You didn't do a damn thing to earn your attitude. You have the lowest synch score, but because you're the best ass-kisser at NERV everyone pats you on the head. It's too bad that Shinji doesn't see that. He thinks you like him. He doesn't know that you're just trying to suck up to Commander Ikari some more by hanging out with his son!"

"You understand nothing about me," Rei said, trembling. She knew Asuka was trying to protect Shinji in her own twisted way, but she was not in the mood to think charitable thoughts about the Second. The absurdity of the charges laid against her was wearing away at the remnants of her self-control. How could someone who was supposedly very intelligent be so stupid? _This_ was why she had spent so many months pondering the Second Child's psyche and trying to come to terms with the strange, unpleasant emotions the girl evoked in her?

Rei could feel her hands and jaw tensing. Her eyes had narrowed and her lips had set into a thin, hard line. All she wanted to do right now was beat Soryu to a bloody pulp. She could feel the anger pulsating through her and it scared her. She did not realize that she was capable of such rage. She felt powerful. She felt free. But she could not give in. It was wrong. She held onto that thought and struggled not to give into her dark impulses.

She took a firm hold on her emotions and said evenly, "Shinji is my friend. I simply wish to spend time with him..."

"Dolls don't have friends..." Soryu began.

The hold broke.

"Stop calling me a doll!" Rei cried, her voice rising to a never-before used level. "Are you so stupid that you can not see that I am a person? You think that because I do not respond to your childish taunts you can treat me like an inferior being. What gives you that right? You say you do not like the way I act. Assuming your accusations were even correct, who are you to judge me? Despite your delusions of grandeur, the world does not revolve around you..."

Rei could not stop the words from flowing out of her and she didn't want to. Thoughts and feelings that she had never articulated even to herself burst out of her. She felt... exhilarated. Anger was supposed to be a bad thing, but this was very satisfying. That was also terrifying. How much rage did she hold? What she was saying now was not even a dip in the well of pain she wanted to unleash on Soryu. And Akagi. And everyone who ever assumed that because she never reacted to their hurtful comments that meant she did not care.

Soryu's face was turning an interesting shade of red. "Shut up for a minute, Wondergirl-"

"No, _you_ shut up," Rei snapped, feeling an odd thrill at actually talking back for the first time in her life. "You once asked if we could be friends. If you had truly meant that offer, you either would have kept trying or left me alone! Instead, you have harassed me when I have done nothing to you. You accuse me of unsavory actions and motives for which you have no evidence. When you look at me, you see an emotionless doll with no will of her own.

"You know what I see when I look at you? You are..." Rei paused, seeking the word that would sum up best how she felt about the Second Child. "You are... a bully. A girl who cannot handle the problems in her own life so hurts those who cannot fight back. Or is it a coincidence that it is people like Shinji and I who take the brunt of your anger? And you call _me_ arrogant!"

"I have every right to be-"

"Why? Because you're the _best_?" Rei sneered. She was dredging up every memory of mocks and taunts used against her and using them as templates of how best to show her contempt against the Second Child. Judging by the expression on the redhead's face, she was succeeding admirably.

"Or maybe it's because horrible things have happened to you. A childhood trauma used as an excuse to lash out-" Rei stopped, knowing that she had almost gone too far.

Soryu stiffened. She said dangerously, "Don't go there."

Rei backed off. She did not want to provoke the Second into attacking her after all, but the girl had to be humbled. She decided to approach this from a different direction. Her voice lowered to its customary softness, her new instincts telling her that such quietness after an outpouring of frustration would be unsettling.

"You're not the only one who has suffered in this life. Major Katsuragi lost her father when Antarctica vanished from the face of the earth. She was adrift at sea for days and after she was rescued, she was catatonic for two years after Second Impact. Doctor Akagi's mother killed... a girl... and then committed suicide. Ryouji Kaji was indirectly responsible for his brother's death. The Third Child saw his mother die and was then promptly abandoned by his father. Over two billion people suffered just as much as you have when this planet was thrown out of its orbit."

Rei knew that she should feel bad for revealing so many personal secrets, but she couldn't bring herself to care. Nothing she was revealing was classified information. And her pain was the most important thing on her mind at the moment. How very human, she thought idly in a brief flash of reflection.

"There were many tragedies and losses among our colleagues. Many of them were never the same afterwards, but yet... yet, you do not see any of them acting like such a _bitch_."

Soryu slapped her hard.

"Asuka!" Hikari cried out, horrified.

Rei gently touched the red mark she knew had to be marring her pale skin. It hurt, but it could not dim the illicit thrill she felt at uttering such an insult. This may not have been the most mature of responses, but there was something to be said for name-calling. She was still new at this business of handling emotions, but she felt quite pleased with her progress.

"Do you feel better?" she asked politely.

"Damn you," Soryu whispered, her eyes oddly bright. But she was still defiant. "And what's _your_ sob story? What's your reason for acting like a damn robot?"

"None of your business," Rei replied coldly.

Strangely, the answer seemed to satisfy the girl. And while the Second Child still glared at her balefully, Rei also saw something in her eyes that she never expected to see.

Respect.

Rei suddenly had an insight. Asuka Soryu was the type of girl who thrived on conflict. She wasn't sure how this information would help her in the future, but it certainly good to know

"A bully, am I? And a bitch as well. You got the guts to back up those words?" Soryu asked menancingly, stepping forward with clenched fists.

Rei simply stared at her coldly. "Truth is truth. Your actions only serve to strengthen it."

Surprisingly, she felt little fear or anger at the moment. She had said what she wanted to say, and nothing would ever take that satisfaction away from her. She braced herself for Soryu's attack.

Hikari cut in between the two of them. "I'm getting that you two don't like each other. Fine. You know what? I don't care. Can't you girls be civil? Or do you want security to kick us out?"

"You're taking _her_ side?" Soryu asked in a tone of disbelief and slight hurt.

"I'm not taking anyone's side," Hikari replied firmly. "I wouldn't mind enjoying the afternoon with the both of you, but only if you call a truce. Otherwise, I'm leaving."

"I accept those terms," Rei quickly agreed. She really didn't want her only female acquaintance and witness leaving her alone with the Second Child.

Something dark flashed through the redhead's eyes, but the girl quickly suppressed it and agreed.

Hikari gave a sigh of relief. "Okay, then. We have a little over half an hour to browse before we have to go to the food court. Let's get to it."

The next five minutes were slightly uncomfortable. Soryu didn't seem to know how to act around Rei now that she wasn't yelling at her. And Rei didn't feel she could talk to Hikari with the Second next to her."

Finally, Soryu threw a sweater down in frustration. "This is stupid. It's not like we don't see each other every day. You still piss the hell out of me, but if I can get along with those two idiots Shinji hangs with, then I can certainly put up with you. So what's up, Wondergirl?"

Confused, Rei glanced up at the ceiling.

Soryu smirked. "Some things don't change after all. What's up with you today, anyway? You forget to take your medication or something?"

"Something like that," Rei replied wryly. Then on a mischievious whim, she asked, "Would you like some?"

Rei had to turn quickly toward the clothes rack to keep Soryu from seeing her face break out into a grin. She was startled when a trembly sound bubbled out from the back of her throat. It wasn't quite laughter, but it was a pleasing start.


End file.
